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Friday, March 14th, 2008
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7:41 pm - celebrate good times, come on!
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i made number 2 for best humor post for this web-site that i write for.
"but james, second place is the first loser!"
then stick a pipe in my mouth and call me a fucking loser, because i love it.
i'll make it at number one soon. it's all a popularity contest and i just joined the site a few months ago.
-jackie chan
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| Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
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3:15 pm - yep.
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i'm no longer going to post anymore. don't get me wrong, i'll continue to write. but it'll be strictly for myself, not viewable by the public. after all, i think i only had something like 2 readers, anyway.
so yeah, maybe someday i'll get this shit published.
until then...
hasta luego,
jem.
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| Thursday, October 25th, 2007
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9:23 am - when i'm bad...i'm terrible, honey.
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if you could sit down and have a beer with anyone in the world, who would it be?
the other day, i overheard two geeks conversing about "myspace game." i nearly spat my glass of tap water all over myself. one of the geeks said "if i could be anything, i'd be your tear. so i can be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die at your lips." like mikey said about sue in the movie swingers, "you live in a fucking fantasy world." no girl in the right mind would let a cheese sandwich like that warm her up. you're better off using "do you believe in love at first sight, or should i hit up the girls on your top 8?"
pet peeve: crazy, psycho, mental, irrational girls. call them what you will...but i personally avoid calling them altogether.
"live each day as if it were your last" is quite possibly the worst piece of advice i've ever heard. you should live each day as if you have several more years of life ahead of you. carpe diem is great and all, but don't always take it so literal. if i were to live each day as if it were my last, i'd be in prison - or worse, on haight street sipping on a 40 of O.E next to a war veteran named sampson.
i want to set up a friendly coffee date between two serial killers. it would be interesting to see how they would interact with one another. would they hit it off and exchange old gruesome stories about how they stalked, tortured and cut their victims to itty-bitty pieces? would they give each other tips and advice on how to execute a proper slashing-spree without getting caught? or would they take a stab at each others throat the moment one of them turns away from their danish?
if i were to live my life through the eyes of a serial killer, i wouldn't be anything violent like a slasher, cannibal or rapist. instead, i'd simply poison my victims drink with a solution that gives them 24 hours to live. then i'd be sure to visit their myspace page and write them a message: "oh hey, remember that lunch date you and i shared earlier today? yeah...well, i poisoned your diet pepsi, you have less than 24 hours to live. my bad. but hey, wasn't that chicken-salad just to die for?" fbi would nick-name me "poison-man", and people would never suspect me. even after getting caught, you'd hear surprised reactions like "i never once witnessed a sadist side to james. he was always very friendly and fun to be around." and the police probably wouldn't let me take a flattering mugshot - they'd wait for that split second to where i look "twisted, evil and fucked up" and yell out to the guy behind the camera "take it now!" SNAP! ugliest picture of me ever, printed on the front of every paper in the U.S, right next to Vanessa Hudgens.
i don't think i'm going to log into myspace as much. the login page is now some very fancy and animated html work involving the fat, annoying face of nicholas cage. not only does all that html crap slow my computer down, but the sight of nicholas cage alone is enough to keep me away from myspace. the only thing worse than this is when i go to visit a "friends" page, and it's so loaded with a bunch of embedded "you tube" shit and slide-shows, that it completely freezes my computer and fucks up the cd i'm burning. if you have a fancy myspace page, do me a favor and change it. or at least make the font and background kind to my eyes. shit, and you wonder why i never leave comments. i never eat at taco bell, either.
one of the worst feelings in the world is putting on a pair of dirty socks. you might be saying to yourself, "why in the world would anyone put on dirty socks to begin with?" hey stupid, some of us go out at night, whether it be local or out of town, and we end up unexpectedly crashing at a friends house. but like i was saying, it's a disgusting feeling to put on a pair of socks after they've already been worn - especially if you're stepping out of the shower. the only thing worse than putting on dirty socks is dirty underwear. in which case, i rather not take them off at all to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of putting them back on. in fact, i rather toss them in the garbage and free-ball it on the bart ride home.
how many of you get really disappointed when you leave your phone somewhere for a long period of time, finally get a hold of it, only to discover that you have ZERO missed calls and just as many text messages. you do? get a hobby.
the three weirdest compliments i've ever received.
1. someone commented about my talking voice. said it was sexy or something. i find this weird because i believe men can't have a "sexy" talking voice - some are just less annoying than others. i'm just glad i don't talk like that "clear eyes; the difference is clear" guy. "clear eyes is awesommeee."
2. the way i walk. i have no idea how i walk or why someone would say i have a good stride, but i was always just grateful with the fact that i'm not pigeon-toed or reverse pigeon-toed. is there a term for people that walk "normal?" yes there is - blessed.
3. my eyes. look, my eyes are not pretty. they're b for brown and b for boring. that's right, i have stupid, boring brown eyes...and there is nothing pretty about that. furthermore, if i didn't break my favorite pair of shades, i'd be wearing them right now, rain or shine. just kidding, i'd hate to inheret the nickname 'jamsey wonder'.
don't tell me i don't know how to take a compliment, because in all seriousness, i believe a compliment can never be bad. but if i had to compliment a physical feature about myself, i'd gloat about my feet. definitely my best physical feature, by far. my toes descend in size in the right order, while most guys have a second toe exceptionally longer than their "big" toe, or even worse, bunions, corn, or a crazy amount of hair - all kinds of shit that a man can only get while stepping barefoot in a public shower. i wear sandals even to my own bathroom, that's just the way i is. i even occasionally shave the strands of hair that tends to grow on my toes. "duude, are you gay?" no. i don't shave my legs, arms, chest or back - just my nuts and toes, promise. oh, and above my wiener, too.
i'm really craving a twix candy bar right now, but not the 2-package that you see in most gas stations and supermarkets. i want the individually wrapped, small one's that come in a big bag. because i feel that chocolate bars always taste better when they're the fun-size. agreed? a whole candy-bar is just too much. just like how m&m's are always better coming out of the freezer, same with thin mint girl-scout cookies. shit, now i'm all in junk-food-mode. too bad i never get in mixed-fruit-mode.
pop-corn smells much better than its actual taste. ever notice that? same rule applies to bacon. i don't find bacon to be entirely repulsive or anything, but the smell of them cooking is misleading. i mean, the smell of bacon alone screams "breakfast is served!" nevermind the eggs, waffles, or hashbrowns - the next time your friends are all passed out at your place, throw a few strips of bacon on the stove and watch them shoot up like an old man's penis on viagra. but while the smell of bacon dominates breakfast, christmas dominates the month of december. this is why i feel bad for december birthdates, because ANYTHING falling under the month of december is completely overshadowed by christmas. the commercials, colorful lights, christmas carols, it all consumes the whole month - while the birthdates around that time are just "oh yeah, happy birthday or whatever." and then you got those people that try to give you "combined gifts." like..."it's a big gift! it's for your birthday AND christmas." thanks, jackass. summer birthdates are the best, though - and i'm not just saying that because mine happens to fall under july. because while the month of december is all about christmas, finals and "bundling up," summer is all about large consumptions of alcohol, pointless coming to the age sexual experiences, and skinny dipping. 3 cheers for the cancers out there!
but the main differences between december and july are as followed:
december: you're wearing a banana republic sweater and/or j-crew blazer? alright, you're in!
july: you got a tan? a real one or fake one? doesn't matter, you're in! wait buddy, are those pac-sun board-shorts? def in!
december: beverages such as eggnog, hot cocoa and vanilla mocha's.
july: beverages like corona, margaritas, and fuzzy navels!
december: girls in pea-coats, boots and scarves.
july: girls looking for the top-half of their bathing suit!
joking, god. both months have their perks. it's like comparing chocolate to vanilla.
"skinny dip sesh." i heard some goon say this on an episode of laguna beach. and they didn't even end up going skinny dipping. another popular saying they seem to use a lot is "whatever, i'm over it." i bet you are, with your red fucking cup, your honkie shoes, your daddy's mercedes, and your stupid monotone voice. "really? let's do it." "really?!?" "really?!?" yes, fucking really!
football head jaratt asked me if i can drum travis barker's version of soulja boy's "crank that." i said "yeah, i can probably learn it, it's basic drumming." and he said "yeah right. i don't think you can." who would have a better idea of whether or not i can learn it; someone who's been drumming off and on since the 5th grade or jaratt mullaney, who's cd collection stands at a grand total of 1 - which is just some hip-hop mix his little brother made him. he has no musical background whatsoever. hell, he even failed the 'recorder' in grade-school because he couldn't learn hot-cross-buns. anyways, i learned it just for you, jaratt. i can play the whole thing with a fucking handkerchief over my eyes. i had much harder drumming when i was in routine.
guitar hero is no longer the only videogame system that showcases your ability to "rock out." the hand held system by nintendo ds now offers a game that allows you to strum a guitar with a stroke of a stylis. what is this, seriously? generation x is no longer breeding future rockstars. these kids need to learn to put down the control pads and pick up a pair of drumsticks. i'm afraid our world is going to strip the rockstar title from actual musicians and impose them onto computer and videogame geeks across the globe. trust me, it won't be long before the champion of halo 3 will be considered a god damn rockstar.
"dunzo"
-jem
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| Friday, October 19th, 2007
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2:17 pm - letting go vs. moving on.
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when you exclusively date somebody long enough, intense feelings develop, and though you may be uncertain with whether or not you're in love, that person still becomes a notable part of your life; a part of your daily routine, right next to brushing your teeth and putting your pants on one leg at a time. the two of you begin to build life-long memories together and share songs that can put your feelings for each other into words that convey them beautifully. every morning you wake up with a sense of comfort knowing that someone out there is thinking of you at that very moment. in a blink of an eye, weeks turn to months, months might turn to years, and if you are part of the fortunate few - you fall in love, get married and launch into a whole new journey together. but if you're like most people, which something tells me you are - you hit one too many bumps, and your feelings begin to fade like silver turning grey. here comes the hardest part of any relationship. i'm not talking about trust issues, commitment, or compromise; i'm talking about the break-up. it's a very ugly and strenuous task, and much like following through with a dentist appointment, it's something no one ever wants to go through with...even if they feel they must. after all, neil sedaka said it best with 'breaking up is hard to do'. well, now you know it's true.
break-ups are rarely ever a mutual decision reached by both people. in most cases, you are either the 'dumper' or the 'dumpee' so to speak. subsequently, you either become the person that is 'letting go' or 'moving on'. both hold a completely different meaning within the relationship. when you let go of someone, you know that you still have feelings for that person, but for some reason - valid, contrived, or implied, you feel it's time to raise the white flag and come to the harsh reality that things are definitely over. maybe things have BEEN over, but you're so accustomed to having that person in your life, you can't bare to imagine it without them. so you keep your grip of wishful thinking tight, dragging the battered and broken relationship out further than it needs to go, praying that your better half will inevitably come around and everything will work itself out. but good or bad, everything must come to an end. so you tell yourself "nothing gold can stay" and finally decide to let it go.
however, when you're the one moving on, you give some time to reflect on your relationship and discover there's not even an iota of feelings - love or hate - left and you're eager to find someone/something/someplace else to occupy your time. that chapter of your life has ended, and you're ready to move forward, without giving a single moment to look back. when you move on, you're primarily the person doing the 'breaking-up'. i know it sounds like a dance, but i assure you it's not. it's more like a root canal or bad haircut...depending on how much you care for that person.
in a nutshell, a single lyric from a song can sum up the difference between the two, and it goes as followed:
letting go: "i'll get over you when the moon gets tired of chasing the sun." - amy millan's 'baby i'
moving on: "break out the champagne glasses and the motha fuckin' condoms." - tupac's '2 of america's most wanted.'
okay okay, all jokes aside...
which is a worse position to be in, letting go or moving on? i can't be too sure that i've been in both situations. and by that i mean, i definitely had one break up - but any other mini-relationship i was ever a part of, i can't seem to recall how they ended. i think it had to do with my lack of commitment, which resulted in the other person moving on. however, i wasn't 'letting go'. you must be 'holding on' to something before you can let go, so the two don't always exist hand in hand like a push/pull system. if i had to put myself in one predicament, i'd much rather be the one moving on than letting go. it's easier, right? if the feelings are no longer existent, it's not as hard to put a fork in it and move on with your life. the only big draw back is finding the courage to confront your soon-to-be ex - but that's what alcohol is for, right? right!
to me, letting go sounds like a lot of sleepless nights involving the special songs you two once shared, along with a damp pillow and a quiet phone. your confidence reaches rock bottom, and you try to find the motivation to embrace each day with optimism, but it's hard when you know your 'once better half' is completely over you. you make an effort to go out; to do ANYTHING to preoccupy your mind...but you often catch yourself staring off into space for a few seconds at a time - even at a red light, it sometimes takes the sound of a honking horn behind you before realizing the light turned green. however, that moment of clarity, that sudden kick in the butt that tells you "hey, it's time to move on!" it's a feeling like no other. you instantly realize that you're too tired and exhausted to care anymore. then when enough time passes, you notice you're capable of seeing and talking to that person again without getting choked up or nervous...makes you feel like you can get through anything - like a rocky balboa fight.
what a lot of us don't realize is, a healthy break-up is just as important as knowing when it is time to. but what are the rules of breaking up? is it insensitive to do it over text or email? is it something that must only be done in person over a big-hearty dinner or with a box containing all of their shit? we all have our own opinion of what is considered 'right' or 'wrong', but i personally feel that a smooth and successful break-up involves each persons' own side of the story, followed by one last sexual experience..."break-up sex" if you will, then both people can throw their clothes back on, give out one last bear hug, maybe a thumb to wipe a tear away, then finally...parting ways for good. break-ups should go out with a bang, pun intended! you may call it pointless, but i see it as a way to get it all out one last time, no pun intended that time. but in all actuality, if you play out you break-up the right way, it will instill closure between the two of you. that way, you might be able to dodge the whole 'post break-up' phase, which is a nightmare freddy kruger ain't got shit on.
the post break-up phase is what most couples go through after they "officially' call things off. technically, things are over - but you can't help but call each other on the phone, see each other, and keep your hands to yourself. this whole situation is messier than eating a sloppy joe without a bib, because both people involved are still somewhat emotionally attached, but essentially have the freedom to date other people. then comes the whole "you kissed another person?" "yes, but we're not even together" arguments and fights, resulting in one big heartache that whiskey itself can't even cure.
some of you are stuck in a position that i have yet to acknowledge, and that is when you desperately TRY to let go and move on, but your ex keeps coming back. all i can really say about this, is find the strength within yourself to put an end to it. yes, i know..easier said than done. but if you go out and make an attempt to meet new people, you may find yourself thinking about your ex less and less, and each day becomes easier. however, some people have the idea that your ex tends to ONLY come back when you discover you're finally 'over' them. which in that case, i can only tell you to not let up, but keep on truckin'. get off the ferris-wheel before it's too late. but don't always take my advice, because when all is said and done, break-ups are never pretty. that's when it's best to hold the cliché saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea" close to heart.
and for those of you that are going through a divorce; i have no personal experience in this field whatsoever, so my only tip is - make sure she doesn't get the house!
-jem
p.s not sure why i wrote on this topic. i think it has to do with the ultimate break-up mix i've been working on. if you're a sucker for a good sad song like i am, this mix will definitely kill you a little bit. and if cd's were weather, this one would be dark, rainy, with that crisp winter fire-place smell. After all, you should do all your crying in the rain.
i'll post it soon and make it available for download.
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| Monday, October 15th, 2007
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6:59 pm - good things come to those who wait.
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"diss" claimer. tori, you do not have to read this if you don't wish to. if my writing is so redundant, click the X in the corner of your window. like that pun, by the way? i'm very good at puns, in case you haven't noticed.
first step to improving your life:
1. give up soda.
attention: the writers for parody movies need to understand that getting hit by a huge bus wasn't funny the first 8 times they did it, and it still isn't. actually, it sort of ruined all movies. now, when i'm watching a legitimate movie, if it involves a scene where the character is standing in the street talk to someone else, i keep thinking a big bus is gonna speed by and smash him/her. stupid writers. movies need new ones. people that are actually good. that are actually funny. it's so obvious that the writers out there are running out of material and new ideas. i can't even remember the last time i saw a good romance/comedy. i mean, how many movies can we do about a girl or a guy who begins to date someone for either a bet, job, or article...but they end up falling in love in the process, and then it all comes crashing down when the other person finds out. "our whole relationship...it was a lie! i feel like i don't even know you!" "no, no! it was real. everything i said...i meant it!" then there's downtime in the movie, lots of crying and michelle branch type music, then the guy or girl does something extravagent at the end and delivers a huge heart-sulking speech. come on, cario. shits old.
if there's one thing i'm exceptionally good at, it's impersonating people. i just wish i could see someone's impersonation of me. so i could see myself through the eyes of other people.
is it a law for all cover bands to learn and play "sweet home alabama?" seriously.
i just thought up a good "opener" for approaching women. "excuse me, my friends and i were debating about this earlier...how far does your boyfriend have to live in oder for it to be considered a long-distance relationship?" it's almost perfect. it's not cheesy or sexual, and doesn't telegraph any interest in their physical being. use it and tell me if it works.
one time, a girl used this one on me.
girl: what's your name?
and you know what, it worked.
let's get one thing straight - don't try and spark up a debate with me about aliens, area 51, the bermuda triangle, whether or not our government is conceiling a ufo that crash landed in the 70's, or anything else centered around the existance of another form of intelligent life. i can't stress enough how much i couldn't care less. i'm more concerned with my car's oil leak.
and don't ask me if i want to play beer pong if you see me at a party. i'll just say no. do i really need a ping-pong ball landing in my cup to tell me it's okay to drink? i'll drink on my own terms, when my throat feels like it.
and while we're at it, don't feel the need to tell me about your boring dream unless i was in it. just like photographs.
someone recently suggested to me that i should write children's books. and no offence, but i strongly disagree. i think i'd be a terrible children's book author. and why is that? because i feel that i lack the creative juices to put together a good story. for example, look at my competition? these children's book authors are 2 strikes away from being locked in the mental institution! there are stories about an old lady who swallowed a fly; a teddybear that falls out of his owners red-wagon and cries because he can't find his way home; a lady with a green ribbon around her neck, and her husband takes it off and her head goes rolling off. i cannot even hold a candle to these authors!
i never understood it when people say "i think it's time i get a boyfriend/girlfriend." i had no idea that's how relationships start. i always thought they just sort of "happen" and develop without planning it. it's like, were you sitting there with a bag of sour cream and onion lays, watching the raider game - and suddenly thought to yourself "hmm, i feel like getting a girlfriend. i'll start looking during halftime."
subfinder will not stop calling me! every fucking 2 minutes, i get a call from them. are educators suddenly realizing that they're getting paid in peanuts or something? i'll get a call at 5 in the morning, interrupting my intense sex dream involving jessica simpson and jessica beil in the same bed, wearing angel wings and sparkles.
the guys in the current real world house are lucky little shits. for one, this has been the first season in awhile that doesn't involve any gays or lesbians. but more importantly, every single girl in the house is completely 'bangable', even on a sober level. shavonda. is that her name? my goodness. she's usually not my type, i'm more of a rachel lee cook kinda guy, but man oh man. if i ever saw her naked, i most definitely wouldn't cover my eyes.
men should never wax, pluck, or fuck with their eye-brows in any way. hey guys, want to know how much women care about your eye brows? do you have two? okay, you're good.
i'm currently writing this to a chromeo instrumental in the back drop, and my head won't stop bobbin' up and down, side to side.
so mtv has been toying around with this new idea they had, which sort of bites the "featured artist" idea behind myspace. they feature a new band every week, and play a variety of their songs before the scenes of upcomming episodes for whatever show. last week it was chromeo, and now it's rilo kiley. which sucks, because i love that band. mtv shouldn't be allowed to play good bands. can't us cool kids get anything to ourselves? quit trying to tune preppy's into good music...it's not fair. if they get their fall out boy, i want my rilo kiley.
and now mtv is showing "legally blonde" the musical. i know, right? didn't the movie suck enough? why did they have to go and make a musical out of it? what's next...'bring it on' the musical? there goes those damn writers running out of ideas again. somebody fire them. i'll do their job better than them.
have you guys seen the commercial for the new dodge van? like i said in my last bulletin, or the one before, screw my image..i really want that van. it has in-floor storage, monitors, chairs that turn 180 degrees, and a table you can set up. of course, i'd get it in black to show-off my 'bad boy' side. that reminds me, everytime i see an suv with a dvd player playing a movie, why is it ALWAYS finding nemo that's on?
i'm not a very cocky person or anything, but when i wake up in the morning, i like how toned my body looks. but here's the sucky part - the moment a piece of food touches my mouth, my stomach gets all fat looking. haha, i need to figure out a way to stop this from happening. crunches? i guess so. my hair also looks good in the morning, because it's sort of greasy and easy to style. i don't use hair gel or anything, so i''ll sometimes go a few days without washing my hair to make it easier to style. but feeling dirty is so uncomfortable. so i ask you this, what's more important...looks or comfort? don't say comfort! otherwise women would be running around in flip-flops instead of high-heels.
last night jaratt, glenn, phil and myself went to straw hat for some pizza. jaratt freaked out because his pizza had a crust bubble. i was like "don't trip, it's just from the oven, if anything...they're kind of neat." and he said "no dude, it looks like there's an eye-ball or bug in my pizza. i'm afraid to eat it." haha, it's not like a strand of hair or finger nail, it was a fucking crust bubble.
i went to hit up the john and noticed 'tagging' in the urinal. that's right, not on top or on the side, but actually IN the urinal itself. so i was standing there, simultaneously pissing and thinking to myself "what kind of gang tags their name IN a urinal? how does that make them look? must be one grimey-ass gang." then i buttoned my fly, washed my hands and returned to my friends with "some idiot tagged in the urinal." gang bangers no longer carry guns, they carry magic markers.
how to properly wash your hands, by james murray.
1.) if you have to push a lever to get out the paper towells, do that FIRST, but do not tear yet.
2.) wash hands thoroughly using soap effectively.
3.) leave the water running, grab the paper towell that you already dispensed.
4.) dry your hands.
5.) use that same paper towell to turn off the faucet. also, use this same piece to dispense more if needed.
6.) use the paper towell once more to open the door.
7.) use your foot to keep the door open while you try to "make a basket."
8.) smell hands to see if the facility has good taste in soap.
my favorite television station is the spanish channel. seriously. ain't nothing better than hot mexican chicks dressed in school-girl outfits, eating ice cream on a cone, while midgets are bouncing around and doing all sorts of flips on trampolines in the background. me gusta me gusta!
the song now has changed from chromeo's 'since you were gone' to azure ray's 'displaced'. very good break-up song. if you're a sucker for a sad song, download it and reflect on your lover.
this morning i needed a ride to my car. so i was surfing through my contacts to see who i can sucker, when it dawned on me - i talk to no one! i got like 5 casey's in my phone. one's a hot lesbian who used to text me every weekend about what was going down in the bay. she no longer does, so now i'm left in the dark. =/
this song is pretty fucking sad.
this just in: they're filming a re-make of 'the never ending story' starring none other than zac effron. and johnny depp confirmed saw V.
i went to this pogo-fest kegger in sac last night, and this random girl asked what my name was - and i told her "justin bobby." haha. and in front of all the guys playing beer pong, my brother phil said out loud "i wish i had the ability to zap guys into girls." after saying this, he formed his hand into a gun and started pointing his index finger at all the guys, while going "bam, bam, bam." i then said "i'd roll in here like a drive-by shooting."
do guys seriously wear those "your girlfriend thinks i'm hot" t-shirts? they must, if some stores are still carrying them.
now the song has changed to 'dismissed' by uffie. wow. azure ray and uffie are like day and night. azure ray sings about love and sorrow, while uffie sings, and i quote "get money, don't stop, ladies stop bitchin', I can rock this shit." she gives 2 live krew a run for their money.
i think i'm going to set my comment approval to off. i figure, this way if i die, people can leave me all kinds of rest in peace comments for the world to see. but lately i've been getting a lot of those "macy gift-card" spam comments, so we'll see.
best sex song ever is 'out of control' by clear static. i think it puts marvin gaye, barry white and jeff buckley's sex jams to shame. and everlong by the foo fighters is right up there, too.
speaking of sex, here's a serious question: does blue balls really exist, or is it a scam guys use to influence the girl to "finish the job"? honestly, i don't think i've ever gotten them. do they really turn blue? or is it just a painful 'kick in the nuts' feeling? whatever it is, i've never had them. so until further notice, i believe they don't exist. don't fall for the "aw, you gave me blue balls" line, ladies.
i love gambling. i love the thrill and feeling of excitement that i can either win big or lose big. i usually stick to the black jack tables, but i'll occasionally hit up the slots. but it's funny, because sometimes before i place a bet, i'll say outloud "watch this, i'm gonna lose." it's like, my way of psyching out the gambling gods from up above. haha. like it's really gonna work. i'll sometimes do this one, too - "this is what dreams are made of" right before pulling the lever. dan miles knows what i'm talking about. where have you been, danny boy? give me a call, jerk off.
i tried eating at the texas roadhouse last night, but the wait was incredibly long and there was absolutely NO PARKING. what's going on in this world? there's never any parking anywhere! if there's one thing this world needs...it's more parking places and less churches. hell, i bet it's even a bitch to find parking AT the church. people can't even hop in their car, drive down to the church and worship their god without worring about whether or not they'll find a good parking spot.
lazy eye by the silver sun pick-up's is a great song, but it really does bite 1979 by the smashing pumpkins. but still. damien rice sometimes bites ryan adams, but he's still pretty good in my book.
a few tips of advice, by james murray:
1.) guys, i have a little tip for you. never check out a girl after you or a friend passes gas, especially their rear. what will happen is you'll end up associating that god forbidden smell to the girl, thus making her a turn-off.
2.) girls, plumbers-crack is not sexy. when only 3 inches of your butt is showing, it's no better than that of a mans. it's either all or nothing.
3.) there's an easy way to trick people into thinking you're "cool". wanna hear it? okay. all you have to do to call everything over-rated. "yeah, they're pretty good, but very over-rated." "yeah, it's alright, but so over-rated." how would you take it if someone called you over-rated - flattered because that means people think highly of you or insulted because someone thinks you're not deserving of such status?
anyways. that's all i have to say for tonight.
oh wait!
check out the new brat pack! it consists of joseph jonas, shai labeouf, zac efron and drake bell. this fearsome foursome has been spotted wrecking the hottest bars in hollywood. keep your daughter inside and lock your doors and windows, the brat packs coming for you!
-jem
p.s. this is a shout-out to everyone that had something encouraging to say about the issue involving big ol' meanie face tori. thanks guys, you're my world.
p.p.s i did not proof-read this. so spare me any errors you find. this is funny to me, because misspelled words and bad grammar is a small pet-peeve of mine, but it's still not enough to convince me to proof-read my own shit.
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| Sunday, October 7th, 2007
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6:24 pm - you're only pretty when you're crying.
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i think with all of this writing i'm doing; constantly throwing every thought i have down on here for all to read, my readers have a complete and accurate understanding of who i am and what i'm about. i mean, this is a huge window to my head...and it's very possible that i'm letting people peek in that i don't even know or have never spoken to before. there's no mystery appeal to me anymore, and getting to know me in person would be fruitless. you can do all of that from the convenience of your own home. read on...
'every breath you take' by the police was number 1 on the billboard charts the day i was born. and i'll clarify right now that i am in no way a stalker. if anything, i don't stalk enough. i don't even know what 90% of my friends are up to right now, and why should i? good song, by the way.
don't ever ask to try a sip of my drink. i don't care if you're a perfect 10 and you have your own straw...the answer is get your own.
tori. you need to get yourself together. and don't talk about me anymore. it's played out more than an outkast song. i mean, what did i ever do that was so evil? talk about Hitler instead! him and his nazi party killed over a million jews, you can bitch about that all you want, at least it'd have more validation! or if you MUST talk about me, you might as well put together a web-community. you can "vent" there all you want. and other people that hate me can comment and say "i totally agree." it'd be fun for the whole family! james murray's hate-club.. this is just what i need, right? after all, my ego is already the size of Texas, right kristin-mistin?
and while we're on it, talking behind people's backs and being fake to their face should be added to the seven deadly sins. greed, pride, lust, sloth, gluttony, envy, wrath, being fake. people should be hanged for that. if you don't like me, then we don't have to talk...that's fine. but don't make the train longer by spreading your opinion of me to other people...especially if we do not know each other in the first place. and if you hate me, don't fucking smile and give me a hug when we run into each other. i will hang you.
note to self: make friends with people 30 and older.
new rule: girls that are friends of mine but decide to stop talking to me once they get a boyfriend are NOT permitted to talk to me once their relationship fails. you chose to stop talking to me...that's your bad. keep on truckin'.
no gay fraternities. apparently, there are now dozens of them. why bother? if you're gay, you already have a much better way of bonding with another man than the chug-a-lug. fraternities are for fucking assholes, not for fucking assholes.
give me a couple of seconds to bash on a few commercials real quick. that TRUTH Whudafuxup commercial with the black dude in an afro and glasses using little cutsie examples to convey just how bad tobacco is for us. first he had the one with the toy-babies all over the streets of new york, and now he has that gun shop one. look dude, we know tobacco is terrible for our health and it kills people. we all went through red-ribbon week in grade school, isn't that enough?
next, i saw this commercial promoting "power four electric guitar" and they open up with "you wanna rock? it all starts here!" i don't care how good you are at guitar hero, it will not get you laid. you're better off picking up a tambourine.
drugs are a symptom, not the problem itself. there's a reason speed is ravaging Smallville, USA: there's nothing else to do! sorry, john mellencamp, but the farms are all gone, the tastee-freeze is closed, and the little pink house burned down in a meth lab explosion. the nearest job is 40 miles away at the wal-mart, and they lock you in at night. if you want the kids to stay off the crank, you need to put them on something else - a bus out of town.
if you ever catch me in the gym running on a treadmill and listening to my mp3 player, you can bet your ass i'm listening to "catch a hot one" by afi. that song gives me a mental boner while i'm running.
my profile song rocks. i don't care what you say. whoever agrees is pretty legit in my book of coolness. if you disagree, i'll just think something is wrong with your ears. i made myself a sandwich that's rather impressive. i always order swiss cheese instead of american; not by taste, but solely based off the fact that i undermine america. i wouldn't be living here if i had money like paris hilton. those are the type of people i really laugh about - the people that can afford a huge castle in the u.k but decide on a mini-mansion in the smoggy hills of la la land, instead. ixnay that last comment. a mansion is a mansion is a mansion.
seriously... i cannot be held accountable for anything i do while under the influence of alcohol. "but james, you can't use alcohol as an excuse." why the hell not? isn't that part of the reason why we all drink? to not only take the edge off and "loosen" up, but to have a scapegoat to blame in case we do anything stupid or out of character. look, i'm not thinking straight. the drunk people next to me aren't thinking straight, let's just all sleep off whatever embarrassing acts we do and NOT discuss it in the morning.
oh. and i'm not mentioning this because i feel i did anything embarrassing last night. i didn't. i'm just saying, ya know? i'm not gonna give my guy friends shit anymore for being drunk and hooking up with buffalo butts, i promise. your secret is safe with me, buddy.
oh, and another thing. if you get a call or a text from me at an odd hour of the night, and you're somebody that i usually never talk to, don't flatter youself into thinking that it's really me. you can bet your ass it's jaratt on my phone. in fact, i'll paint the typical scenario for you. goes something like this.
jaratt: man this sucks. get girls, james.
me: ::hands phone to jaratt:: here, call whoever you want.
jaratt: k cool. ::starts calling everyone in my contacts::
so i did the wine stroll thing that downtown tracy had. the 'broken plate' reached max capacity at a very early time. i went ahead and jumped to the front of the line and as they were letting me in, these two girls yelled out "he's a cutter!" so i smiled real big, held my wrists out and said "i'm really not."
rolled in with issac, phil and medina. this girl said "do you watch the pick-up artist?" i said "eh, i've seen like one episode, why do you ask?" she replies "because you remind me of the guy in it." and i said "whaat? that weird guy with the goofy hat? i'm offended." she said "yeah, the way you talk and stuff." i reply "that dude looks like a magician. don't ever say that again."
isn't that funny? i thought it was. i was laughing hysterically inside my head, but kept a straight face on the outside. i remember saying "you know, although we have never met, i can guess what your middle name is. what does it start with?" she said "starts with an M". now, this is no rocket science, it's pretty much a fact that 90% of the girls out there either have Marie or Anne as their middle name, so i guessed Marie. and she did the whole "omg alkjsdlfj" bullshit. she thought i was all telekinesis and shit.
oh yeah, i ran into secret asian jenn and ashley at the wine stroll. check this out, guys - when i first met ashley, i asked her "if you could star in any movie, but it's the only movie you could ever be in, no sequels or trilogies, what movie would you pick?" and she answered "i'd be jessica rabbit in roger rabbit." so i was like "okay, you get one chance to be in ANY movie, and you're picking to be a voice over?" i proceeded to tell her how lame of a decision that was. "pick titanic, the notebook, anything other than a voice-over!" this reason alone is why she doesn't like me. i wonder if she's reading this or is even on my friends list. i don't know who the hell i'm friends with on this thing anymore.
the after-party i attended was...welll..."interesting". notice the use of quotations? it's my new thing. i place them on words to signify it being a euphemism. the after-party was fucking wacky! some dude showed up and ganked a girl's purse, and bounced with it. so she flipped out and started punching her door. and being the smart-ass that i am, i said "hey, don't punch the door. what did it ever do to you?" she gave me a deathly stare. i hope she never marries a door, it would probably be an abusive relationship. p.s. glenn, if you're reading this - you had me rolling all night about that quailman talk. ::whistles:: you guys probably don't know what i'm talking about because Doug was too long ago for you kids. you probably consider 'hey arnold' as an old-school show. "remember hey arnonld? that show is like hella old school foo!" pfft. i remember when i was working at a high-school...no joke...i cracked a joke that referenced the ninja turtles, and this kid said "who's raphael?" wacky!
over-the-top metro-sexuals crack me the fuck up! or wait, are they called guido's now? you know the type...waxed eye-brows, cactus-needle haircuts, a "diamond" in each ear, and an orange tan from laying in the bed for too long. those guys are so funny. i wish i was friends with a few of them just for the comic relief. i'd never tell him i'm laughing AT him, though. i'd just respond to his "why are you always laughing for no reason?" question with "i just thought of a funny childhood memory."
ladytron proclaims the idea "they only want you when you're seventeen. when you're twenty-one, you're no fun." is this true? is it?
the book "he's just not that into you" is the most evil book on the face of this planet. it's like...the complete opposite of the bible. it's the book of Satan, and girls should NEVER own, borrow or pick-up a copy of this.
edit: i was given some shit for this, so i'll explain my reasoning. not only does the author over-generalize, lumping the whole male gender into a single "he", but he exaggerates everything to the point where most of the hogwash he suggests is false. look, i'm not afraid that this book will "blow my cover" and expose me, or other men, for the assholes that they are. yes, it's no secret - a lot of guys are assholes! in fact, it's safe to assume that 4 out of every 5 are assholes. my point is, don't let some book dictate how you feel or respond to a real life situation. and don't let it trick you into thinking that it's valid or factual information just because the dude has a knack for writing. go with what your gut/heart tells you. girls, you're MUCH more intuitive than men, use it to your advantage! trust your instincts. and use your best judgment and discretion, and just roll with it. apply the knowledge you know from past experiences or t.v shows even - just don't let some little pink book ruin something potentially good because it told you to "drop" the guy after he failed to call when he said he would. "he didn't call? he's just not that into you!" oh yeah? maybe his fucking house burnt down!
i'm thinking about shaving my side-burns. i just watched a bit of 'grease' and i don't feel like resembling danny zucco anymore. i'm also thinking about leasing a new mini-van. i know what you're gonna say, but screw my image. having a mini-van could be fun. wait...back to danny zucco - why didn't he ever bang sandy? she was fucking hot. what an idiot. they're currently filming a re-make of grease, and it stars zac efron as danny zucco.
i took 3 showers yesterday. that almost ties my record of 4. but what feels better, stepping into the shower or getting out? most people will answer stepping in, but i love the feeling of getting out. i found a couple of ants in my shower earlier today. they really have their word cut out for them. that's like putting me and a few buddies near an active volcano. stupids ants. that brings a whole new meaning to the insult "you have a brain the size of an ant."
someone at the bar last night said they have a shirt of mine. fuck. i just can't recall a name or a face. shit. it was probably a good shirt, too. curse the lord for giving me dog-shit for a memory. relax, religious buffs. i'm jooooooking. which is stupid that i even have to mention i'm joking. this world is so insecure about everything, i can't even crack a little joke with the slightest amount of controversial undertone without getting lynched. i better start watching my back, this whole fucking town could be plotting a public lynching as we speak. "get james, he made fun of people that play guitar hero!"
the main girl from 'not another teen movie' is so attractive. it's a shame i haven't her in anything else.
gangsta gangsta! what's the deal with these myspace kids saying 'gangsta' slang like "damn it feels good to be a gangsta" and "baby, cause i'm a thug." you've never killed anyone, never done any hard time, and most certainly never smuggled large quantities of drugs across a patrolled border. look, you're a rich kid that lives in the sticks and your daddy is a successful farmer or vineyard owner. you can stop saying "i'm a no limit soulja, i thought i told ya!" you're more like a screech powers look-a-like rockin' a pink polo and nike visor. the only 'gangsta gangsta' shit you ever pulled was ditching english literature to spend daddy's credit card at the american eagle in your local mall. oh wait, i'll give you more credit - you took your mom's beamer out while she was on a business trip in new york. props! ::knuckles::
how come no one is ever able to see my pix or flix messages? update your phones, people. this isn't saved by the bell. more importantly, what's up with every guy in the world bragging about how big their dick is? "man bitch, i'm packing an 8 inch anaconda." pfft. apparently, 5 and a half is no longer average, 9 is. only a murray is permitted to brag about the size of their penis...and even they don't.
sean 'puffy' combs, or puff daddy, or p. diddy, or diddy has just released a commercial that promotes his new fragrance. his voice is heard saying "i can't live without her, i can't live without her", over and over while it shows some sexy girl dancing around. i was confused, because with a bank account like diddy's, i find it very hard to believe that he cannot live without some girl. besides, he'll always have lil kim and the pussycat dolls swinging from his nuts. come on, diddy!
five things a guy can never talk about without sounding completely lame.
-dieting.
-unicorns.
-star wars
-video games (unless it's madden)
-the real world
i break two of these five rules. can you guess which ones?
hint: unicorns is not one of them.
if i were ever to be famous, like...ridiculously famous, i'd sell my personal belongings on ebay all the time. i don't know why celebrities like brad pitt and paris hilton don't do this anyway. it's a perfectly legitimate side-job and i guarantee it to be a success. "up for bid is paris hilton's toothbrush, manufactured by crest. current bid, five-hundred thousand dollars." i'm sure some brace-face rich teen would fork over the big bucks for a used johnny depp condom. but i guess they have enough money not to care to make petty cash on the side.
i wonder if paris hilton has a photobucket account.
i believe i can make up any sort of fake "saying" and no one would ever question what it means. we have all of these expressions like "the whole nine yards" and "3-sheets to the wind." if you came crying for advice to me, and i spewed out something like "the eagle has landed, but the feathers are few." i bet you'd nod and say "that's true. thanks james, i needed that." but honestly, i never understood the "you can't have your cake and eat it, too" expression. what's the fun in having a cake if you can't eat it? am i supposed to get my jolly's from pulling out the candles and licking the remains?
"nerds R us". that's a great idea for a new store. they'd carry all sorts of star wars action figures, pogs, and comic book cards. and that's all i'm gonna say about that.
never invite me to a pink party ever! never ever ever. don't even think about it!
three things i look for in the opposite sex. by james murray.
1. sense of humor. either make me laugh or laugh at the same things i laugh at.
2. booty. nuff said.
3. a real passion for food.
i forgot i like lists of 5 more than lists of 3. so now i have to think up 2 other things i find attractive in a girl.
4. scent. spend the extra bucks on some good perfume. trust me.
5. taste in general. and wit. that's 6, but let's say it's 5
yours truly (but only on weekends & holidays),
-jem
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| Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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1:43 am - and if the world is ending...then we toast to it.
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i recently purchased this topical that is supposed to rejuvenate my skin, making it softer and healthier looking, but i'm beginning to think it's just your run-of-the-mill face lotion in a fancy, glass bottle. first reason behind this discovery is the fact that it was only 10 bucks at rite aid. now i know i'm jumping into the price-equals-quality fallacy, or the "you get what you pay for" notion. although it's not always true, i believe in this case it is. my skin looks and feels the same. kudos to the company for using its sleek bottle to make it more marketable against its competitors.
so i manned up and faced verizon head on. had my six-hundred dollar bill reduced down to three-hundred sixty some odd bucks. i had a great halloween costume in mind, but it looks as though i might be going as "broke james murray." p.s if verizon were a girl, i'd totally stop talking to her.
pulling my cell phone out of my pocket and flipping it open has become a sort of remedy for awkward situations. however, i wouldn't necessarily call it a nervous habit. it's more like something to turn my attention to if i'm out by myself waiting in line at the bank or jetting through the mall to pay my bill. i flip it open, and go through my pics and videos i've seen a hundred times until i'm ready to take care of whatever it is i need to do. side-note: i text and drive at the same time and this makes me feel really stupid. it got me into my first accident, and will ultimately get me into my second. it's 9:29p.m...starting at 9:30 i quit.
do women really judge a man by the shoes he wears? i'm often seen rocking an old pair of beat-up chuck taylors, and if this is the case, i'm the rocky dennis of the male species. it's okay...i have my sights set on a clean pair of lacosts. but they're still just tennis shoes. i'm 24 years old. shouldn't i be wearing boots or something by now? enough about shoes, this isn't a 'kelly' song.
i feel bad, because at work today i was talking to a teacher i used to work for. real awesome lady, very hip and down to earth. and funny, too. so anyways, we ran into each other and said hi, and a few of the students with her were showing me some of the sign language they learned that day. they were doing some weird "hang-ten" type motion, and i asked "does that mean hi?" and she waved and said "no this is hi." and i waved back and said "so this is bye?" she laughed and they walked off. i know, bad right? i didn't mean to be like "this is bye, get outta here." i was setting up a joke about how there's no difference between hi and bye to deaf people, so they are probably often confused, but the teacher and her students left before i could even get that far. i'm officially saying sorry, even though they will never read this. i still feel better about it now. hah.
i asked my co-worker justin today "would you marry britney spears right now, but you HAVE to be faithful?" he replied "heck no, she's tore up. all methed out." i said "but you get to share her money, and encourage her to get back in shape. she'd be bangin' again." he said "she would never commit." then i said "but you'd be all over the tabloids, like WHO'S THE NEW GUY?" then he responds "that's not a good thing!" i disagree, and i'd marry britney spears right now if she wanted to. i'd get her ass in the gym, make her practice her dance moves, and set-up a huge come-back, then brag about how i'm with 'britney version 3.0'. someone have her people call my people. we can make this work. hell, we can make it into a reality show if she wants. i'd even grow a beard and wear fishermen hats with wife-beates just like k-fed. whatever you want, britney! call me! just not on weekdays before 9.
i think i'm turning into a germaphobe. this is no good because it will soon compromise my style. the other day i almost ran into a store to by gloves to wear all day like david spade's character in 'dickie roberts'. too many germs in this fucking world. and i blame it on kids ages 14 and below. scratching their butts, picking their nose, sticking their pinkies in their ears. hygene is what should be taught at a tender age, not sex-ed.
why am i so bitter towards popular media? why does seeing chromeo all over mtv piss me off? don't exploit them. well, they already are, actually. i heard them on 3 different commercials now. thanks guys, you're now considered a "commercial band" along-side with shiny toy guns, joshua radin, and the go! team.
not to sound like the worlds biggest music critic, because i'm not. i don't sport a pony tail and black-framed glasses. but tom delonge cannot sing worth a shit. the pitch-correction is so blatantly obvious in the angels & airwaves album, it almost sounds like an intentional vocal effect. much like sean kingston, cher, and that doofus that sings 'bartender'.
fergie. oh hell, you can even use "i'm gonna miss you like a pornstar misses her abusive father". there's a multitude of choices. pick one and run with it.
'you win some you lose some' is a very encouraging piece of advice. just so happens i lose more than i win.
five signs of aging, by james murray:
1. you know you're getting old when your "myspace friends" are posting bulletins discussing "you know you're a 90's kid when..."
2.you know you're getting old when child actors like the olsen twisn and hayden paniterre are now deemed as "sex icons".
3. you know you're getting old when the helmet law no longer applies to you. in fact, you may be asking yourself "what is the helmet law?"
4. you know you're getting old when you crack comments about the younger generations taste in clothing.
5. finally, you know you're getting old when you're ineligible to try out for the real world.
but i refuse to believe i'm getting old. i just think there's too many fucking young people in this world. i need to start hanging out at places where the youngin's don't flock to. like a library. stepping foot in there would instantly knock 10 years off my age, at least. wait, do libraries even exist anymore? i'm pretty sure they're called barnes & noble now. why go to the library when there's barnes & noble? not only does it increase your likelihood of running into attractive women, it has a starbucks and a devoted section to pop music and dvd's. the only thing a library offers is an old Mac computer with a waiting list to use the internet for a maximum half hour.
i'm tired of the term "one-hundred and ten percent". i'm gonna make sure i give you 110 percent! always give 110 percent! you fucking can't give 110 percent. it only goes to 100. and 100 percent should be good enough for everybody. if it's not, your coach or mentor must be superman.
looks reflect on personality. i've met attractive girls that i don't find attractive because their personality is sucky. i've met decent looking girls that tickle my fancy because they know how to tell one mean knock-knock joke.
most pop-up ads come from lyric sites, and i have no idea why. i always associated porn to pop-up sites, but you'd be surprised.
how come in movies where there's a driving scene involving two people sharing a conversation, they seem to be driving down the world's longest road that doesn't have any stop lights, stop signs or turns? and the driver always looks at the passenger for longer than 5 seconds. that's scary.
question: would you ever date someone with tourettes?
answer: no. why would i?
time to reflect: well, maybe. but not for the sex, for the laughs. i'd take her out to the olive garden every saturday and sit back and enjoy the show over a glass of red wine.
i noticed something the other day. the whole skateboarding/motocross/x-games scene has a fashion sense that is very hip-hop influenced. volcom has even released a new line of flat-billed caps complete with a shiny round sticker on the bill. first we had vanilla ice rapping, now we have skateboarding rocking baggy jeans and DC shoes with air-pockets. geez, white people never let black people have anything to call their own, and i think that's messed.
i never watched any of the 'scary movie' films from beginning to end. i hated them. they're not funny and their parodies sucked. instead, they should've done a parody of that scene in 'ghost', where patrick swayze and demi moore are intimately making something out of pottery together, but instead of working it into a flower vase, they should've turned it into a giant dildo. and they can cue the song 'unchained melody' during the whole thing. picture it. picture it. aren't you laughing?
i'm sick of the expression "don't tell me how to live my life." by all means, do tell me. two brains work better than one, and i'll never turn down advice so long as it's from the heart. i should get married.
actors and comedians that appear on late night shows like 'letterman' and 'leno' neeed to stop using myspace jokes to gain cheap laughs. yes, it's a ridiculously popular website. that doesn't mean just because you mention your top friends or your pimped out profile the whole room should burst out into laughter. i swear, a comedian can come out for his routine like "so, who here has a myspace?" crowd starts laughing before he even gets to his punchline. myspace isn't stored in spell-check yet? give it a few more months.
don't type "lol" unless you really "laugh out loud". many web-chatters have picked up the annoying habit of typing "lol" after just about everything you say. example:
me: how you are you?
them: lol
me: the pope died
them: lol
i slowly peel back the waistband of my cottony-white briefs, unleashing my fully erect 9-inch pole.
them: lol
it's even getting to the point where they're even typing "lol" after everything THEY say!
them: hey whats up lol
me: not much. reading.
them: oh thats kewl lol
fucking psychos.
homeless shelters don't need gyms. los angeles just opened a new homeless shelter with a library, hair salon, and gym. now , i'm fine with the library and the hair salon. like most people, i like my crack whores well read and groomed. but a gym? if you're pushing a loaded shopping cart around all day, you don't need a stair-master. i know gay guys who became homeless just for the abs.
if you find a new record from anyone dead, it sucks. if elvis or tupac or kurt cobain thought they had a hit, they would have released it back when it could have helped them get blown.
i just saw a commercial promoting a contest that offers the winner 3,000 dollars to make over their own room. are you kidding me? do you honestly think 3,000 bucks can make over my room? in this day and age, i'll be lucky if that much can cover a few pairs of decent jeans.
i want to replace the james van der beek in dawson's creek with the james van der beek from the rules of attraction. now that'd be a hit WB show right there. dawson dealing cocaine and screwing girls sounds much more appealing than a bunch of teenagers hanging at their favorite crab-shack gloating about celibacy.
people are always suggesting that it's the little things that make a relationship work. and you know what, i strongly disagree. i believe it's the big things that are important - like keeping your legs closed and not sleeping with every guy on the block. look, i don't care if you're 5 minutes late to dinner or if you forgot to send me a "good morning, sunshine" text. i can overlook those with ease, honey bunches of oats.
i'm tired of being tired. and i'm tired of movies that depict an extremely distraught son or daughter sulking over the lack of attention their father is giving them. i can't even begin to count how many movies have a side-plot showing some cry baby kid bitching and moaning about how their dad missed their baseball game or karate class. look kid, he couldn't make it because he was working overtime in the office to pay off the mortgage to that 3-story house you and your stay home mother are lounging around in.
i'm also tired of people saying junk food is an addiction. call masturbation an addiction, or heroin, or even gambling - but don't tell me you'll lose all sanity if that bucket of fried chicken doesn't somehow find its way into your mouth.
myspace has officially changed the meaning behind 'checking your email'. checking your email now suggests that you're logging into myspace. just like how new friend requests/messages alerts now give high school girls a mini-orgasn instead of sneezing.
stick a fork in me, i'm fucking done.
-jem
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| Sunday, September 30th, 2007
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9:37 pm - you might think i'm crazy.
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why is the hills playing bands like the sounds and the cure? it's making the people on the show look cooler than they are. they shouldn't be allowed to play good music. stick to fall out boy and other pop-punk bands with singers that sound like snot is up their nose.
do you guys ever notice the Intuitive cognition that relate to human names? for example; you hear the name richard and you automatically envision a man with a mustache, maybe some glasses and a receding hairline. or you hear the name beth, in which case you think of a plump, round woman with rosie cheeks cooking up some meatloaf for her humble family. don't label me weird just yet, let me further explain myself. starting...now! i believe most if not all names come with some sort of accurate mental picture or characteristic tied with that name. the question is, what kind of intuitive cognition comes with yours? when i hear the name james, i think of a dashing clean-cut gentleman with poise and style. no buddy, this has nothing to do with me complimenting myself, which i'm completely against, by the way. it most likely something to do with james bond. i don't know, it's a strong single-syllable name which some of the most intelligent people went by. but when i hear the name lacey i think of an under-dressed girl with loose morals. and like i mentioned, all richards will have a mustache at some point in their lives. justins never age, they stay at 22 forever. caitlynn; mama's girl. zachery; mama's boy. kayla; an american eagle high-school chick rocking too many layers of make-up and eye liner. johnny; football jock with blonde pumpkin-pie hair. eddie's cant be trusted. and antonio's will shoot someone at some point in their life. i'll stop here before i end up offending some of you.
why does steven get his own untitled rock show? all he plays is alkaline trio, my chemical romance, and taking back sunday, literally. i want my own fucking show. i deserve it. i'd play everything from the kins to cansei de ser sexy. well, when i put it that way, i don't think anybody would watch my show. side-ways sad face. because our generation of viewers have goose-shit for taste. don't give me lip, i'm obviously generalizing. but it's like the smiths once said, please please please let me get what i want. lord knows it would be the first time.
i was enjoying a meal at chilli's last evening with jaratt. well, i wasn't enjoying it, because the chicken was drenched in too much honey sauce and it didn't agree with my taste buds. the funny part was when the whole staff of waiters came out in a clapping train for someone's birthday, and jaratt said to one of the waiters we knew "hey kristin, your clapping was stupid." not only did he get the poor girls name wrong, but totally insulted her clapping. i just about spat my ice water out all over the place.
i find the term MILF to be extremely annoying and often used out of context, and i'm tired of hearing it out of idiot jocks mouth. "she's a milf". shut up. you don't even know if she's a mom for a fact. you assume she is because she's just some old blonde bitch with pink lipstick and a nice tan. probably has freckles on her fake boobs, too. i call that a mid-life crisis and a desperate attempt to get back into the game after their small-dick husband cheated on them with the office slut. i'm terrible!
if you could be anything for a living without failure, what would you be? and don't say princess.
i know laying down immediately after eating is not only bad for you, but makes you prone to weight gain, but i just can't help it. whenever i eat a big meal, i have the urge to just want to loosen my belt and sprawl belly down on a bed or sofa. add that to the list of bad habits along with nail biting and steering wheel drumming.
looks vs. personality. what characteristic dominates the other? i know you take both into consideration, we all do. attraction is a basic component of human nature. but whats the percentage of the two? is it 50-50? 70-30? let's all remember that looks are fleeting. personality is forever. besides, attractive women tend to have a personality that's comparable to my foot sliding across dog shit during a game of tackle football at the park. i think women that are strictly into looks alone need help. i know some people like that, and i just can't ever see myself dating someone that lacks a good sense of humor, a positive outlook on life, and a good energy about them.
does your self-perception reflect on your standards? in other words, for every pound you gain, does it make it that much easier for someone to get you into bed? if you truly believe you're unattractive and lack self-esteem, does that make you an easier pick-up? answer: yes. it's a little well-known fact that very attractive women are picky with their men for the very reason that they know they look good. quality attracts quality. but all i'm saying is i'd like to be there the day jessica alba let's herself go and gets a little pudgy. because not only would my chances with her be a little higher, but i'd be able to look past the fat and hopefully land some sort of horizontal dance with her. if i ever put on 60 pounds, my standards would go out the window. wait. no. i take that back. things would never change. i'd be the overweight guy with impossible standers. much like 'shallow hal'. but now that makes me retract my last theory. ugly women that were once attractive don't ever lower their standards. their self-confidence may decrease, but they're so used to pulling quality, they sort of become delusional to the fact that they can't anymore. but men can always pray to be in the right place at the right time for that one moment of desperation coming from these girls. i get a little irritated when that guy from knocked up pulls that babe at the bar. and i always get upset at the end of dumb and dumber, when harry and lloyd turn down that bus full of bikini models.
most underrated band in the world; bryan scary and the shredding tears. okay, not THE MOST underrated band, but they're a great band and i don't see them ever gaining the least bit of commercial success. i used to think les savy fav would make it somewhere.
five random facts you may or may not know about me.
- truth of the matter is, i never approach women. and when i do, it's about as rare as a solar eclipse. it has nothing to do with approach anxiety or being nervous, the thought just rarely ever occurs to me. maybe a lot of girls fail to catch my interest. maybe i'm gay? not.
- i have four brothers and no sisters. i think i'm most like my oldest brother david. except for the fact that he's way stronger and tougher, and is a better impromptu public speaker.
- i wait until the last minute to do EVERYTHING, which is why i'm constantly late to everything. i'm even late to bed. and it wouldn't surprise me if i were late to my own wedding.
- i don't have any tattoos. not that i have anything against them. the idea is kind of cool, and i wouldn't mind getting one. i'm just an indecisive person and fear to commit to something so permanent that i may look at in the mirror one day and say to myself "sheesh, this thing is ugly." i don't want to be one of those dooders with terrible art work stuck with me for life.
- performing in front of people is better than sex to me. period. granted it doesn't get me off, it still gives me an indescribable feeling. well, i can probably describe it, but i'm fucking lazy.
wait. i have time for one more random fact: I’m jealous of “morning people.” I just can’t figure out how to become one.
wait again. a new one just came to me. i found that i rarely ever kill an entire bottle of water. i tend to leave a good inch at the bottom before grabbing another one.
i like listening to old mxpx. like 'slowly going the way of the buffalo' and 'the ever passing moment'. however, i don't listen to any of their new stuff. in fact, i think they kind of suck. and i can't decide if it's because my taste in music has changed since i was 16, or if it's because they're just not writing good songs anymore. do i only like the old stuff for nostalgic purposes? who knows. who cares.
breaking news! child star hannah montana is pregnant. probably with drake bell's kid.
report: who cares? that high school musical bitch has nudies leaked all over the net, and that will continue to be the top story for the remainder of this decade. that is unless hayden pantierre releases a sex video. but other than that, aliens can land here and iraq can wage war on U.S soil, it still won't matter. stories like these will take the backseat until vanessa hudgins decides to sign a deal with playboy.
random memory of regret: a little over a year ago, i was sitting in a casino in south lake tahoe, playing some black jack and minding my own business, when suddenly two very attractive girls take the empty seat next to me and start flirting with me. "hey, i love your tie" one of them says as the other tugs on it. i respond with "yeah i know, that's why i'm wearing it." they laughed and proceeded to flirt by inviting me to go skinning dipping with them in the hotel's pool. i said "yeah, give me a second to cash out." me being so interested in the game, i decided to play a few more hands, like 5 or 6 more, all while security was telling the two girls "if you're not playing, you have to leave the table." finally after bringing myself to cash out, i look around and the girls are gone. 10 seconds later i found jaratt and filled him in on what had happened. i think he was more pissed than i was.
so i ask you this: if you had the opportunity to go back in time and change a few things you regret...a chance to do a few things differently...would you? what if such a decision compromises who you are today? would you still take that chance? i would've cashed out and had a wet n' wild of a time. but this isn't a life altering regret. flinging myself off a building and breaking both of my legs. now that would be a regretful move. or putting poop in someone's sandwich. especially if they're tougher than you or have access to the shotgun tucked away in their dad's closet.
tonight it became clear to me just how low the quality of television has become. what america considers entertaining has changed 10 fold since...let's say the 60's. back then, you turn the tube on only to find shows like 'leave it to beaver' and 'the andy griffith show' or maybe a televised beatles performance. now, you see two guys running around in the wild in a tarzan get-up, getting their dicks bit off by baby crockadiles while drinking horse piss and eating cow dung. i'd like to record an episode of wildboys, travel back in time, and expose it to a more sheltered america. much like how marty mcfly blasted van hallen for his father in the film 'back to the future'.
but that's not the only thing that has changed drastically over the years. what we consider a good insult varies widely from what americans used to use to cut each other down. back in the day insults like "scoundrel" and "rascal" were widely acclaimed as bad words. then in the 60's words like "jerk", "scum bucket", "slime ball" and "pig" became insults. in the 90's insults like "fag", "punk", "bitch" and even a comination of the two such as "punk ass bitch" became popular. now-a-days, i'm hearing all kinds of creative insults leaving the mouths of our younger generation, such as "cum rag" "fruit basket" and "bag of buttholes". what a wicked world we live in.
i like how i always tell myself i'll wait until monday to begin any new self-improvement habit i wish to commit to. i'll be hanging out at work, stuffing my face with junk food and chugging chocolate milk, and suddenly realize "wow, i need to improve my eating habits. okay, starting monday no more brownies or ice cream." this doesn't only apply to food. i'll put off taking my ties to the cleaners or washing my car until a monday. i suppose it gives me the rest of the week to self-indulge in anything i wish to without feeling guilty. only if i had a nickel for every time i said to myself "starting monday, i'm..." i'd probably have a hundred bucks.
do natural male enhancements really work? i didn't know the earth's soil was rich enough to grow an herb that can increase the blood flow to the male penis. who discovered this? did some farmer stumble upon it, sprinkled it in his stew, found that it gave him a raging boner and took it out on his poor wife later that night? natural male enhancements. men should be growing these plants in their bathroom, not pot.
oh my. noticed how i said "male penis". i apologize for being so redundant. i mean, i don't know too many chicks that have a ding-dong. except for that one from san francisco that gave me a massage. joking.
greatest invention ever: the flyswatter. close second is the pillow. but they still need to invent a pill-form birth control for men. women are not to be trusted. a temperature controlled pillow would be nice, too. i used to keep my pillow in the freezer out in the garage during the summer, then break it out on hot nights.
someone needs to write, direct and shoot a musical based on the lives of gang bangers and killers. no, i'm not talking like the famous 'west side story'. i'm talking about something more up to date. some hardcore knife-fighting, drive-by shooting, liquor store robbery thugs. something much more realistic and much more violent. i'm talking CRAZY violence. and drama. starring ice cube...wait...no...he does kiddy films. anyways...this movie will show children dying in drive-by's, and then the gang that did it stops and busts out a sad song ballad, complete with a fruity dance. or they can run into a liquor store with a choreographed dance and a fruity song all while shooting up the place. or they should make a high school musical 3, only have this one draw inspiration from the movie "kids". zac efron can bang ashley tisdale, then sing about how he should've used protection. naturally, it'd be rated-R, for language and strong sexual content. i'm sure naive parents would still take their kids to see it, based off the title alone. that's why we'd have to modify it to "high school musical 3: let the fucking begin."
speaking of movies, three and a half hours is too long for a movie about magical midgets. the lord of the rings: the return of the king is so long, you have to take a pee break before you get through the title. the 'rings' trilogy runs almost nine hours. if i want to spend that kind of time seeing dragons, i'll take drugs. and they can stop releasing 'star wars' now. we've seen it. i don't care if it's in a box set, if it's remastered or redigitized, if there are bonus scenes or a director's commentary; it's stil a space movie for guys who can't get laid.
and i'm tired of dvd's releasing 'unrated versions'. i see no difference. i was orginally dooped with this marketing scheme when they first released 'the girl next door: unrated version. i was expecting to see all kinds of deleted scenes involving elisha cuthberts boobies, but got an alternate ending instead. i don't want an alternate ending! i want the ending that the director and writers intended. it's too much pressure for me to play god and choose the destiny of the characters in the film. i'm a firm believer of stem cell research, by the way. thought i'd throw that out there.
that would be neat if you were such an icon, your name was stored in spell-check system of computers all over the world. james murry. a red -squiggly line would instantly appear underneath my name. right clicking it will automatically correct the spelling-error for you.
random fact: my socks don't always match. and i don't like architecture in helsinki. and i'm not a big fan of turkey sandwiches, unless it's real turkey. none of that processed, thinly sliced, pre-packaged stuff.
it's a shame that all the food i find to be delicious happens to be very unhealthy. ice cream, pasta, cookies, etc. why can't the earth produce some sort of all-natural junk food fruit? like chocolate flavored apples.
i'm so not looking forward to paying my six-hundred dollar cell phone bill tomorrow. i'm beginning to have nightmares about it. last night, some officials showed up to my door and said i owed the government close to a million dollars, and that i'd be serving time in prison until i work it off. i should just terminate my plan. i don't really need a cell phone anymore. and i certainly don't need my cell phone to play video games or access the internet or double as a walkie-talkie. i just need it to make a phone call. why is getting to level four of tomb raider no problem but to have a simple conversation i have to stand on a hilltop with my nuts wrapped in tinfoil? when it comes to cell phones, i just need the basics: something that rings at inappropriate moments, interferes with airplane safety, and gives me a brain tumor.
i think it's funny that elvira is landing her own reality show. all jokes aside, she was my first celebrity crush ever. followed by red sonia from the movie 'conan the barbarian.' flavor of love ruined that fantasy for good, though. don't laugh, it's true. side-ways concerned face.
burn baby burn,
-jem
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| Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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12:40 am - what is a secenester?
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last saturday i was asked the question "what is your definition of a scenester?" to which i replied "you know...that's not a bad writing topic. i'll post my answer later in the week." alas.
however, let's all bear in mind that i don't judge people. well, we all have a sub-conscious tendency to, whether we recognize it or not, but i make an effort to stay away from such an immature way of thinking. i don't consider myself a judgmental person, i just happen to have a knack for noticing the details which fall under the different stereotypes we've created to save us time from forming any fair judgment. but i'm not here to discuss that. my idea of what "scene" is, is merely a generalization. an accurate one at that.
but without further ado:
white belts. ridiculous hairstyles. 0% body fat. you might not know who they are now because up to this point, they have been particularly evasive of anything and everything mainstream. they are hipsters, or scenesters, and they are growing in numbers, constantly boiling and smoking underground, and they like it that way. hipsters savor shallow irony and they hate authority, but most of all, they despise any trends but their own. but now that their general sense of music and eclectic fashion has been invading the general public as of late, and despite the hipsters' best efforts, the seal is broken.
they cohabitate in web communities such as myspace, facebook and livejournal, and are constantly adapting each others' styles and innovations in their endless and exhausting quest for continuous acceptance amongst their hipster peers. If you live in a metropolis with a seedy downtown area full of small concert venues and bars, chances are there is a "scene" right under your nose. hipsters can usually be found in rich suburb areas where they are subscribed to thousands of ironic trends because they can afford to keep up with all of them. if one were to look in any hipster's closet, one might find several shirts with corny slogans such as "Getting Lucky in Kentucky" or "I'm Hungary for Turkey" and an arsenal of studded white belts with huge, tacky buckles. a female might have pea coats and tights, while a male might have girl's jeans with border-line belly button shirts from bands such as 'avenged sevenfold' and 'blood brothers.'
but what constitutes a scenester? most of the time, it's a sort of cocksure, deluded sense of faux-elitism in terms of attitude and fashion - a sense of fashion so random that it can only be explained in specifics, never characterized. In some areas, a hipster's fashion sense focuses on a combination of retro, an example of which would be leg-warmers, and irony, an example of which would be large and tacky trucker hats,. because of a constant paranoia of being captured by another hipster's webcam, they have an unhealthy obsession with their appearance that would drive the most iron-willed of supermodels mad.
hipsters will generally, and almost always in vain, subscribe to half-baked methods of shallow alternative thinking and will practice certain ethical pursuits such as vegetarianism or veganism. true to their form, however, they can only indulge in vegetarian or vegan products that the rest of the hipsters don't deem as "lame" which are in a sense, ordinary or more well-known products. within a their jurisdiction, no company or product is safe from the hipster's "lame" tag, from fast-food restaurants to jackets to shoelaces, and quality is almost never a factor. most of their decisions about what is "lame" or what is "scene" have no discernible methods to their inception, or maybe one that feels the need to question such decisions just doesn't "get it."
although a scenester would never acknowledge such bands as "scene," nor would they ever admit to liking them, if you've seen a video by hawthorne heights or medina lake, you get a general idea about what your average hipster might look like, and how they are slowly and unwillingly infiltrating the mainstream of american popular culture. it's best to be prepared when more than just the downtown areas and basements of suburban homes become flooded with awkward, androgynous types with tight clothing, white belts, and an irritating penchant to brag about themselves at the drop of a trucker hat.
-jem
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12:34 am - no one reads this. oh well, i write for myself more than anyone else.
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i will follow you into the dark.
i'm still tipsy from last night, so don't hold anything i'm about to say strongly against me. see how i say strongly? that means you're at liberty to get upset, but don't stop being my friend.
speaking of friends, i'm a bad one. i just watched my favorite movie SWINGERS and i noticed how great of friends they are to each other. trent talks mikey up when he's down. encourages him and keeps his chin up. not only do i not have a friend that i can piss and moan to, but i'm not so great at being dr. phil myself. well, i am. i'm very capable of giving great and useful advice, i just lack the motivation of doing so. and i'm eating a stuffed crust pizza at the moment. not that i'm a fan, i'm really not. travis mullaney decided to go against my wishes.
i dislike hello goodbye. but there's a band that sounds sort of like them. more like what hello goodbye is striving to achieve. they're called the secret handshake. and while we're on the subject, i'm not a very big fan of the Used, but their song 'prettty handsome awkward' has a straight motley crew guitar riff and i dig the shit. just like how young love isn't that great but 'disco tech' makes me want to shake the ass that my mother never gave me.
let me reiterate that i'm not abercrombie. i don't own anything by them, let alone wear it. let's bear in mind that i'm a musician, too. when was the last time you met an abercrombie musician other than your typical college student that can kind of sort of play santeria on the acoustic guitar? maybe 'all the small things' by blink 182 at best. i'm terrible, remember?
wow. i'm contradicting my beliefs by all this talk about music. i don't like my chemical romance, either. but i'm listening to 'i don't love you' and it's not a bad song at all. it could be the fact that they sort of bit the vocal melody from keane's 'everybody's changing' or maybe i'm just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my chemical romance is very capable of writing decent if not good songs. i don't love you like i did yesterday.
i'm not going to call anyone anymore. if you wish to talk to me, you can call me. i might text BUT...and it's a big but...i'll never call anymore. tired of it. call me lazy. if i call you, i heart the shit out of you. whoever invented stuffed crust full of cheese is a fat retard. literally. drool, multi-colored propeller hat and all. just kidding, i really like retards. they're good people. the more drool the better.
what else can i bullshit about? i'm over at jaratt's because his parents are in reno. actually, i'm in his parents room alone right now writing this bulletin when i should be in the other room watching 'click'. his dog Yogie is sitting right next to me staring. haha. i think jaratt puts peanut butter on his dick so his dog can lick it off. haha. i crack myself up, on the real.
if someone doesn't behave by the standards which the masses have set for them, they have a "disease" or a "learning deficiency". everyone's brain should work in the same way! I would like a list of these standards immediately. at least then I'll be able to behave in a "normal" fashion. as long as I keep consuming what I'm told to consume, everything will be fine. i'm "normal". the lack of interest in material which is pre-selected by someone else… that is a "learning deficiency". it's not called "boredom" or "individuality" anymore, kids. It's a "disease" and must be "treated" by reducing the level of creativity and brain function.
oh, one more thing: you're not free to "treat" this on your own with your own substances. you have to consume the substances which are creating huge profits for international conglomerates. you also must consume these at set prices for set companies at set times of the day, or you may have a "relapse" in your "disease". this disease, my friends, is called "free will," and is a serious danger to the profits of companies which do not rely on providing a product which is needed, wanted, or even competitive, but relies on mindless consumerism to be sold. people apparently need to be told what to want, why to want it, and how to convince other people that they want it. not only disgusting, but very true. this is the same mentality which turns adolescents into advertisements for clothing companies and merchandising companies labeled as "bands". this leads me to my next topic.
with the right marketing strategies, any band, and I do mean any, can become successful. nevermind talent, it's no longer significant. talent does not equal record sales. the music industry is solely based on promotion and marketing schemes. much like the current "fued" between 50 cent and kayne west. "i'll quit making music if kayne west out-sells me." please 50, it's a clever move, no doubt. but you can't expect me or anyone else with half a brain to believe that hog wash or see right through it. maybe carson daly does.
what it all comes down to is attracting the attention of younger consumers. i truly believe if a young mind sees or hears something enough, he/she will slowly become appealed to it. and this isn't just limited to music. It's almost programming. kids no longer decide what they want to listen to, major corporations do. I.E. let's take a song like 'beautiful girls' by sean kingston. I won't deny the catchiness behind the sampled doo-wop beat and robotic harmonies, but it does not appeal to children whatsoever. they can't relate to the lyrical content about an insanely attractive girl breaking the hearts of young naive men. so why are these little kids running around singing it? because televisions and radios everywhere are playing it out like puka shell's in the 90's. and as long as they keep playing it, it will attract listeners. record sales will then sky rocket. the point to all of this? resistance is futile. one can only hope to be above the marketing machine instead of below. and popular media should play my bands song on repeat. if you don't have my songs, IM me and i'll send them. aim handle: then james said.
by the way, i tend to have what i'd like to call "party A.D.D." i bounce off the walls and fail to commit to any substantial conversation lasting longer than 120 seconds. but i work wonders with light-hearted kino and opening sets. you ladies catch the fight outside? two girls were fighting over a guy named george. who fights over a guy named george? everybody knows they're gonna die.
-jem
p.s. i hear the secrets that you keep when you're talking in your sleep.
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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6:52 pm - you only tell me you love me when you're drunk.
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i'm admitting right now that i'm a terrible first date. a decent second date. but a great third date. it's something that i'd like all of you to familiarize yourself with, so if we ever happen to go on a few dates in the future, you'll expect the first two to be pretty bad and give me a third chance.
i guess i just don't always like to follow the blue-print formula of what a first date entails; a casual dinner, some desert or coffee followed by a walk up to the door, keeping it brief only to leave that person wanting more. sometimes i'd rather mix it up and ride some go-carts or hit up a theme park to bring the kid out in them. for one, it eliminates any possible awkwardness. because let's face it...you can manage to have a great time riding bumper cars and going mini golfing with virtually any semi-pleasant human being, because the activity itself takes the pressure off your date from being the main source of entertainment. sounds like a much safer bet for a first date instead of risking a nerve-racking dinner consisting of mediocre food and "the interviewing process", which, if going into it unprepared with funny jokes, you'll most likely bomb it and lose the option of taking that person out again for a second date. i believe it's important to build a level of comfort with the person before doing anything that can be potentially uneasy.
not to say that i don't enjoy dinner dates, because then i'd be lying. i love food and i love conversing. a lot, actually. you just can't always expect to hit it off with your date so well without knowing them. but now i'm just bringing up a whole new topic of my personal opinion on the do's and don't of dating, which not only do i care not to discuss right now, but i fail to have any creditability of the topic. who am i to offer any sort of advice on this subject? hah..if anything, i could use a little.
p.s don't give me any advice...i'm not asking.
by the way, i never claimed to be an expert in the field of dating, picking up women, or anything of the sort. granted, i wrote some content that would suggest otherwise, but you need to remember that this is all for not only entertainment purposes only, but to cure my late night boredom. most guys jerk off to internet porn at 1:28 in the A.M. i write. different strokes for different folks. no pun intended.
let's talk music, shall we? oh wait...talking about music is like dancing about architecture, right? right. but let's forget about that for a few good seconds.
i love oldies music. it's something my parents turned me on to ever since i was shitting my diapers and sucking my thumb. and right now i'm currently going through a mini oldies phase, if you haven't noticed. so it got me thinking, what will oldies be called/labeled 30 years into the future? extreme oldies? aesthetic oldies? because fast-forwarding that far into the future, contemporary pop music definitely can not fall under the same label as it does now. we cannot be expected to find a Pink album in the rock/pop section of a record store 30 years into the future. and we can't possibly ever consider the music today to change into oldies but goodies in the future, because quite frankly, i think current mainstream music is garbage, for the most part. but notice how i said "mainstream". not to sound like a pretentious, elitist piece of crap. but in the future, i think genres will be labeled by decades. a whole mess of isles divided by decades, then sub-divided into genres. record stores will definitely have to be 3 stories high.
you all know this by now...le disko by shiny toy guns is in the Razor2 phone commercial. they're marketing the razor, and they don't even use the "razor sharp, razor clean" line that is in the first verse of the song. one would think that that's the whole purpose of using le disko in the first place. not for the "hello littles boys, little toys" line. that does nothing for the Razor. gay! oh, and that song is officially ruined, by the way. never play it again. not even you, tommie sunshine.
what's up with that myspace celeb bitch with the fake tits getting her own show? "hi, i'm tequilla and you may be one of the millions of my friends online, but what you don't know about me is that i'm a bisexual freak." huh? i thought she was going to say "but what you don't know about me is that i'm getting my own show that i don't deserve at all." fuckers.
girls:
how to lose a guy in 10 days.
1.) complain about everything. PMS.
2.) never answer their calls nor return them.
3.) condescend.
4.) give them shit for things that haven't happened yet.
5.) pretend like you know everything about everything.
6.) burp and fart.
7.) expect a lot of gifts and gushy love letters. complain when you don't get them.
8.) make fun of their taste in music
9.) lie constantly
10.) tell them you think their friends are cute or 'other guys.'
there's more, but lists of 10 look better than lists of 14.
i'll only date a girl that finds JUST ME attractive. no one else. in fact, i want a girl that's not even attracted to the male gender. she's kind of lesbian, but finds me ridiculously attractive and enticing. the thought of a naked man, other than me of course, makes her vomit.
i want to use sunlight to make hydrogen because i believe it would reduce our dependency on foreign fuel. however, i'm not all that into science, so it'll never happen...at least not from me. but i DO know that leaves convert sunlight into fuel. in fact, in 2 seconds, the sun releases enough energy to fuel a million cars for 2 years. this is the part where you say "big fucking woop."
hey guys, let's talk about the VMA's. only let's not bag on britney spears performance, because 50 cent did FAR worse. well, maybe not, but i had higher expectations for him. did you guys catch his performance? 50 cent had a backing track playing throughout the whole song, with his monotone/dull unenthusiastic voice flowing over it like a cheap karaoke performance from your local hole-in-the-wall bar. seriously. i know personal friends of mine that can flow over 50 cents song better than he can. and this raises another question in my head. why is it completely unacceptable for a pop artist to sing to a backing track but acceptable for a hip-hop artist? not to say that every single rapper out there uses a backing track, but most mainstream MC's definitely do. youtube it if you're in denial, i don't care. and i didn't even bring up the fact that famous MC's enjoy inviting their whole neighborhood on stage to yell irrelevant shit over the track like "that's right" "here we go" "aww yeah". who are you and why are you drowning out the main vocals? backing tracks should be unacceptable for all forms of music, by the way.
exclamation points rock! especially through text messaging. I can say "hey" to you. or i can smart up and use "hey!" and the second one makes me sounds excited to hear from you even though i may not be. i mean, chances are i'm not.
i wish myspace never had a built-in spell check. i had fun distinguishing the retards from the intellectuals. pfft. now we all appear to be adequate spellers.
ever since jenny jones aired, it has been very popular to perform make-over's through television. see, now we have shows like the pick-up artist, beauty and the geek, mtv's made, extreme make-over and a bunch of other ones i don't care to get into that gives us a "nerd", then makes them over into someone less of a "nerd". but what i want to know is why do these make-overs only equal highlights and waxed eye-brows? and if it's a guy, they'll trim his hair and throw a blazer on him. call that a make-over? looks like a nerd in a sports coat to me. i'm terrible.
watch me write bullshit pseudo-intellect out of complete boredom. ready?
hmmm...
okay...let's go...
life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life. It is a well known fact that life needs more life in order to exist. On one hand, life survives through the death of other lives. On the other hand, life must merge with other lives to make new life. Sex and death are inextricably linked in life. The existence of one predicted the existence of another. With no death, there is no need for sex. Reproduction becomes futile. Without sex, you have no death, because eventually no one is left to die. Sex is life is death is life. By definition, death is the act of dying, or the state of being dead. This means something must live in order to die. Something cannot die without once existing. All living things eventually die off in time. Some die sooner than others, and some live longer. But ultimately, all living things diminish. However, life cannot die without the reproduction of a new life. Life must end to live. All that is born must die. So new life is needed. Conversely, to make room for this new life, the old must end. In time, the new life will then die, and be replaced. This is a cycle that cannot be stopped. It is how the world works. What comes in must come out. Call it a domino effect if you will. sex is death.
i can be 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag sometimes. i'll consider it a talent. however, i promise never to bring up such a dull lack-luster conversation piece if we ever share an appetizer at applebee's. we can talk about entourage.
here's to another ordinary tuesday night,
i write too much.
-jem
p.s. if that dog next door doesn't stop barking, i will go in my garage, grab my bee-bee gun, and shoot it in the face. "omg animal cruelty!" spare me, i'm a cat person.
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
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1:43 pm - when you're a jet...you're a jet all the way.
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first and definitely not foremost, i'm starting to misunderstand the meaning of "hook-up". is it sex or making out? i just don't know anymore. it used to mean "meet up." like "let's hook up later." "ew, no way creepazoid." shit, i meant for a burger. maybe i'll look it up in wilkepedia. but probably not.
fergie. sorry for consistently putting you on blast, girl. but can you please go back into the studio and change your lyric to "i'm gonna miss you like a child misses his game boy."
i think it's funny when people sing along to the song 'glamorous' by fergie ferg. because the lyrics discuss the life of a star. riding first class, drinking champagne, but not allowing the fame to get to her head. so when you see these middle-class average joe's and josephine's bumping it and singing along with a cocky smile painted across their face, with all the hand movements, i laugh out loud to myself. especially when that person is a little kid. paris hilton should be the only one allowed to sing along to "glamorous". make that an amendment. the fox-a-foxaayy.
i was watching a temper-pedic matress commercial and they said "we don't believe a bed should be just for sleeping...we believe it should do more!" right...like jerk me off and clean the mess up after, and possibly make me eggs.
i like talib kweli and n.e.r.d. that's good party rap. not that noisy yellling and barking shit with laser sounds and pit bulls fighting in the background. get at me! grrr, rawr rawr! and when rap artists write about nothing but money. how many different ways can you say you're richer than most people before you start repeating yourself?
i saw that michael myers movie. his mask gives him the attractive appearance of a chiseled jawline and a flawless complexion. when the main girl is hiding in the attic from him, i thought to myself "that would be hilarious if a black widow came out and bit her and she died. cue the theme song and roll the credits. movie over.
he's SO strong and stealth-like. phil and i contemplate who would win in a fight...michael myers vs. batman. phil said it depends on who's movie it is. michael myers would kill him in halloween, but batman would win in batman returns. i want to see michael myers vs. super shredder.
i can't believe they're still making supernatural haunted house/ghost flicks. people still pay to see this garbage? How can any of the viewers even relate? “oh, that reminds me of the time this ghost wouldn’t leave me alone for a week.
like...two weekends ago a few friends and i were in the city and this girl i met asked me how jaratt and i knew each other. i said "we met a long time ago when we were just kids. i was leaving the field from a little league game, and jaratt was in a boy-scout uniform near the dugout selling cookies. he got a marrit badge for it. haha, i'm funny.
speaking of jaratt. he made a bet with me that in a month, he'd be able to bench more than i can. that's like saying "hey james...want 20 bucks in a month?" sure jaratt. He couldn’t hit 95 then, what makes him think he can now?
i'm secretly envious of those that find love and happiness with another person. it's the ultimate form of success, in my opinion. and i'm afraid i'll never find it. Sad face. however, i'll confess to the fact that i much rather be in a famous band than to ever find true love. that way, i can truly love more than one girl. wink face.
i want a million dollars. more, actually. but i'd still be happy with a mill.
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
those mtv teen reality shows, like the hills and newport harbor, are so funny to me. the whole format. the terrible dialogue. if you haven't been fortunate enough to catch the show, imagine two teenagers hanging out...like playing basketball or washing a car, and out of the blue they suddenly plop their butts on the floor and be like "so how are things with you and chase?" who does that? who walks out to their backyard when their friend comes over, parks their keester in the closest vacant seat, and open up a conversation with "sooo....what's the deal with you and chrissy?" i'd say "i don't know, and i don't want to talk about it. Let’s go out and do something." MTV would fire me on the spot and replace me with a so cal bro that spits out gold for conversation like "oh really?" and "whoa, that was random." i'm not knocking the shows. i love them and they make me laugh. only i don't like the show for the same reasons you do.
halloween is around the corner? have any constume ideas? i was panic! last year, but this year i'm going to be _______. i never have a good time on halloween. i remember last year, not on halloween day but a few days shy of it, i was at the great plate tossing shots back as usual, and found myself dancing with a knock-out dressed as little red riding hood or some shit. anyways, we were both having a good time, until the bouncer pulls me aside and says "be careful, buddy...that's her man standing over there and he just got out of prison." so? what are doing wrong? i don't understand these small-dick jealous boyfriend types. big woop, we're dancing. don't get mad at me. get mad at her. or better yet, get mad at yourself for being an insecure shit-head with trust issues. go date a blow-up doll.
teaching children to write shouldn't be a part of the educations curriculum anymore. instead, they should be teaching kids how to type. other than signing off receipts and filling out my time card, i can't remember the last time i used a pen to write something down. it's the computer age. no one writes anymore. We type. Point made.
first impressions are freakishly overrated. i believe it's the 3rd and 4th impressions that count most. take my word for it. unless you come across a person crouched over a bloody corpse with a kitchen knife in his hand...then that impression definitely counts.
no lie...i saw a commercial selling a razor for 20 bucks...but get this, they even throw in a free kitchen knife. i am not even kidding. buy this razor in the next 20 minutes, and we'll throw in a kitchen knife! don't start your local massacre until you're clean shaved!
if your life was a movie, who would play your supporting actor, not including siblings?
would you take all the money in the world, but you can never speak to your best friend ever again?
scenario questions like these are super fun, especially on dates. i like asking them. i don't give two shits about your goals or hobbies. well, i do...but i'd rather know how much someone would have to pay you to wear nothing but a santa suit for 40 days straight.
will public telephones exist in 10 years?
it's interesting to see how human names have changed over time. in the 50's you had common names like mary ellen, clarenc eand peggue sue. then 20 years later it was richard, katherine and beth. 20 more years and you have justin, kaylee and corey. now it's names like toby, skylar, and riley. fast foward another 20 years into the future and we'll probably have names like laser, o-zone, cosmo and celestial. i never met an adult named justin. i think that nam was invented in the 80's, along with morgan. i love my name. some intelligent and respectable people throughout history were named james. i never went by jimmy. maybe when i'm way older. maybe. that reminds me...self-proclaimed nick-names are so stupid. others are supposed to tag you with one, not yourself. otherwise my nick-name would be "cool ass mother fucking james."
it's becoming a habit for me to prepare a glass of chocolate milk before writing. this is why i could never be a professional writer. i'd be a bloated fat-ass from all the chocolate milk being consumed.
i saw a fly chilling on a flyswatter the other day. is that stupidity on the fly's part, or sheer genius? does it know that i can't go about killing it while it's resting on the swatter? or was it a beautiful mistake?
i enjoy...
- the finer things in life, although i often forget what those are exactly.
- lots of milk in my cereal.
- mustard on my sandwiches.
- self-help books on relationships. not that i read them, i just love the idea of a complete stranger telling me how to run my sex-life.
- sarcasm. refer to line above.
- americanized chinese food. If such a thing even exists.
- going out for pizza. but only on the weekends. it's a social thing, really. and i think pizza was intended to be a social delicacy. a meal to be shared by a crowd of people, with a pitcher of your favorite soda/beer. it's divided into slices for a reason. i don't think i'd ever order or go out for a pizza alone.
- i only enjoy eating junk food on sundays. weird? i'd say.
i still want to race someone in a mile.
-jem
p.s. i retire.
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| Monday, September 3rd, 2007
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4:34 am
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people should have no reason to be shy. because humanitiy as a whole is pretty unimpresive. unimpressive, a euphomisism for lame...or let's go further politically incorrect and just call ourselves flat out retards. why even work yourself in a frenzy to feel socially accepted or "liked" by somebody else?
i know why. because you need the job. that should be the only excusable situation to allow us to feel nervous or shakey. a job interview, that is. and maybe meeting a significant others' parents. only because you know if you make a bad impression with your mates parents, you'll potentially lose that person.
but...like...going out in public. or speaking in front of an audience. public speaking in general. approaching people. arguing over an unexpectedly high cell phone bill...shouldn't scare us. easier said than done, i'm sure. but once we...i'm finished on this subject.
won't back down by tom petty is currently playing on itunes. it sounds great. i've always liked this song, but i like it most right now. and i...won't...back down. a great kick-in-the-ass motivation type song with a chill edge to it. okay, talking about a tom petty song for this long is pretty lame. or "unimpressive" i should say. =P
fuck. that sideways computer lingo "tongue face" took me about 3 to 4 mess-ups to even create.
learning to fly by tom petty just started playing. but let's not get into tom petty again.the art of being an interesting person.don't have a monotone voice. even if you're one of the unfortunate few to inheret one...make a solid effort to fluxuate it. haha. it would sound unnatural to those who are already familiar with your dull, robot like voice...you can at least fool the newbies. so, no monotone voice.
pretend to be interested in old blank. art. history. architecture. eh, actually...i
wouldn't be very intruiged by a history genius. this is yet another topic i will trash because i don't find myself very interesting at all. run-of-the-mill might as well be my middle name. i'm not fishing for compliments, so don't hand me any.
making like an all american-rejects song and moving along...
approximately two years ago, a girl i knew called me "abercrombie". and after hearing my puzzled reaction, she said "no no, it's a good thing really." it's hard to believe i'm abercrombie when i don't own one single article of clothing from there. they carry "rugbee jeans" complete with grass stains and a factory invented scent of sweat. who wears jeans while they play rugbee, anyway? no one. more like smear the queer.
i was at the westfield mall in san francisco earlier today and noticed a guy standing in front of the abercrombie store with no shirt on. what exactly is he advertising if he's working for a store that focuses mainly on selling clothes? the posters, too. i don't understand the whole abercombie pitch in general, or their strategy for marketing. you look at the posters hung up and instead of body shots of models sporting a&f gear, you see close-up face shots with a beach back drop. or their chest and 6-pack. it's like they're trying to say "wear these clothes and you'll be one of these guys!" okay, says the naieve consumer.
the people that work there always make me laugh. they're clones. it's like there's a remote island out there that specializes in breeding future abercrombie employees. they're brought up with a great dental plan, black market tanning cream and impeccable shirt folding skills. come to think of it, that's probably how they reproduce all the clothes they carry. they all play rugbee on the island, leaving the clothes dirty and wrinkled, then they are
immediately shipped to the states to be sold. as cliche as it might sound, abercombie &
fitch is ridiculous and makes me laugh. little ceaser's is the worst pizza of existance, in my humble opinion.
hear about the new night club they're opening up in every major city? it's called "attractive people" and you have to be AT LEAST a 7 out of 10 to get in. in front of the main entrance is a panel of judges, three guys and three girls, and they deliberate on how high you rank and if you're permitted to enter. the better looking you are, the more perks you receive. like free bottle service and access to the VIP area where you'll find teddy from mtv's short-lived reality show 8th & ocean, matthew lawrence, hayden pantieree and cara from road rules. "hey bro, let's hit up attractive people club tonight!" "no way man, that place is dumb. they won't let me in!" sucks for you.
so i saw superbad. and to be honest, it was funny, especially the first half. however, i'm not liking this whole "superbad was superrad" talk and people changing their display names to "mclovin". so stop it if you're one of those people.
what's the first thing you think of when you cheer before starting the night off with a drink? i'm tired of people cheering to world peace or a great night. be different. i always
cheer to the joy of being underestimated. but that's mine, don't take it. cheering to something completely melancholy would be a riot. like "cheers to A man who threw his seriously ill wife four stories to her death because he could no longer afford to pay for her medical care."
i summon you here, my love.
who likes that new fergie single 'big girls don't cry.' it's not entirely a bad song. in all actuality, it's fairly catchy, but what's with that "i'm gonna miss you like a child misses his blanket" lyric? children don't carry blankets anymore. they carry nintendo DS's and PSP's.
i hate cheesy pick-up lines and guys that persistantly use them. it makes the select few of us that are smart enough NOT to use them look bad. now when i go out to bars and approach girls, i have to be extra careful to not come off like i'm selling something or wanting something from them. because they're so used to these wanna-be alpha males "spitting game."
three ways to pick up a girl the right way.
- sorry to bother you, but can i ask you a quick question? alright...well, i'm currently researching the different aspects of an artic tundra, and one piece of information i can't seem to find is the average weight of a polar bear. would you by any chance know how much the average weight of one weighs? enough to break the ice. hi...i'm james. but jaratt has been playing that one out like a nelly furtado song, so don't be surprised if they see it coming.
- hey...can i ask for your advice on something? up until 8am this morning, i had a beard of 4 months for whatever reason. i mean, i looked like a santa claus dropout. but i acted on instinct and decided to finally shave it off this morning, and i've been self-conscious about how i look...do i look alright clean shaved? she'll more than likely say yes, and from there you can work any angle you want.
lastly...
- excuse me, are you interesting enough to get to know better? i mean, you're a pretty girl, but i see a lot of pretty girls here. what sets you apart from the rest?not that i've used any of these. i don't "use" any sort of approach, really. but these are
things right off the top of my head that a male can use to get a conversation going with a female. use them, they'll work. but make sure you have some more interesting shit to say after you catch her initial interest.
korn is definitely one of the worst bands i've ever heard. they are the little ceasers of music.
but it's 4 in the morning right now...i'm drinking a beer and microwaving some food. i feel pretty fat. however, America is fat. so i don't feel so bad. wanna know how i can tell america is obese? it's not from statistics, the news, or bar graphs. it's the fact that when i go out shopping for clothes, everything in stock is sized at XL and above. a size small is scarse in america. in fact, medium is the new small. not that it's such an issue, i just wish clothing company sometimes stocked for people that prefer tighter fitting clothes.
i have a dentist appointment tuesday the 4th at 11:40 a.m. please remind me.
a huge pet peeve of mine are noisy eaters. chopping away at food, mouth open, slurping sounds while eating cereal. chop chop, slurp slurp. that's enough annoyance to kill a nigga'. pardon my slang.
p diddy is seen wearing my sunglasses in his latest video, aka i have great taste.
time to drive home while my buzz is still intact. catch ya'll on the flizzip-side.
-jem
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| Monday, August 27th, 2007
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12:51 am - what's an extended network, anyway?
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why does sleep still exist? they say that sleep is the cousin of death, and it's true if you think about it. it's weird to think that 8 hours out of the day, give or take, we do absolutely nothing productive. we just lay there....lifeless...with a stupid look on our face, mouth open, drool, sprawled across a bed dreaming of a better place. i'm not stupid, i know as humans we need sleep to function properly. i'm not arguing that it isn't a necessity. but i mean, you would think that considering this day and age, with the technology and vast knowledge in the medical field, we'd be able to come up with some sort of pill or drink that provides our body with all rest that an 8 hour sleep gives us, without actually having to hit the pillow. kids, stay away from drugs.
3 things everyone should keep in the center console of their car.
-hand sanitizer
-condoms
-a bag of jelly beans.
i'm starting to become a huge fan of lists of 3. how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
as much as i hate to admit it, being a drummer myself, car insurance rates should be a lot higher for percussionists. you see, i have this nasty habit of drumming on my steering wheel while driving. and to be completely honest, it's probably my worst habit, with nail biting in a close second and poor sleeping habits. i crown it as the worst because it will undoubtedly be the death of me, whereas nail biting only makes it impossible for me to pick up a dime if i were to drop it. i believe drumming on my steering wheel will bring me to my demise because, for example, i'll be driving on a windy road, like the patterson pass or an icy road up to tahoe, and if it came to the decision of having complete control over my car or missing a beat to a song with an intense bar of drumming, my safety would take the back seat, so to speak. i'd end up hitting a tree or driving off the road and tell myself "hey, at least i nailed that drum role." i have no idea how insurance companies would ever sucker a person into admitting they were a drummer, though.
i'm so glad that mtv show "24/7" was canceled. remember that little piece of shit copy-cat idea of a show they had for a few episodes? it was another shitty reality-based show based off of a group of friends, consisting of an actor, a musician, a promoter, etcetera, etcetera. a blatant rip-off of my favorite show entourage. any show that tries to duplicate entourage should be canceled. or better yet, never pitched in the first place. who's down for an entourage party soon? i'll bring the corona, you bring the meat. i need to catch up.
next time you're at the night club, order a 'ruin me russian'.
commercials. i was just talking to keeley about commercials and about how much they're hated. i told her someone should invent a channel that shows nothing but commercials. all the time. like an infinite loop. but i don't want anybody else knowing about that channel. that way i can trick my friends when we're all watching television together. i wonder how long it'd take for them to notice.
commercials ruin a lot of really good songs. i heard a new young pony club song on an internet commercial, a joshua radin song on a JCPenny's commercial, and huddle formation by the go! team on a Volts wagon commercial. i feel stupid bumping that shit in my car now. like i'm in T.V land.
boys and girls, i made a terrible mistake. i hopped in my car about a half hour ago to fetch me some ice cream from the store. they didn't have my usual favorite, m&m's mint with chocolate fudge, so i decided to give the m&m's cookie dough flavor a whirl, and i'm not happy with my choice. like you give a shit.
so around a month ago, i was talking on the phone with kelly. this was before i inexplicably damaged my phone making it unable to play any sounds, including the voice of whoever calls on the receiving end. meagen just tried calling...sorry darling, i couldn't hear you. there goes another phone down the drain. time to claim insurance yet again. argh. anyhoo! so back to my story. i was talking to kelly. you know, normal conversation. and i go "so what do you do for fun?" and she says back "what, did you run out of interesting things to talk about?" i said "huh?" all confused. and she says "i read your blog. you mention that that's one of the questions you use when you run out of things to talk about?" i started laughing like a fat kid being tickled in the stomach with a feather. and it wasn't even like that. i was genuinely interested in what she does for fun out in palo alto. my blog got me caught up, so i'm never dispensing advice ever. okay, i lied.
who's a fan of zombie movies? i'm a fan. i like the concept of people rising from the dead only to feast on human brains. and i like how they go "braiiinnnssss, braaiinnsss." it's a well-balanced mix of terror and humor. like, the perfect balance. but my only objection is how come they never use the word "ZOMBIE" in zombie films? is it a faux pas for them to mention that word in the flm? it's like "president, what are those things?" and then he's like "we...don't...know. they're dead but alive." i'd be like "dooder, they're fucking zombies. shoot them in the head." it always takes them a real long time to figure that mystery out, as well.
people tend to love the 80's. personally, i find it to be a very interesting decade. the style, the cars, the music videos, music in general, etc. they all made a huge effort to look new, fresh and futuristic. like neon clothes, spandex, snap bracelets, sweatbands, crazy flashing lights. from the rise of synth-pop and dancey retro to songs about robots. reflecting on it now, everything just looks silly. look at the 60's and 70's. there's nothing funny about those decades. freaking 80's...the decade that brought us aids, ecstacy, reebok pumps and speak & spell's. the girls looked ridiculous, too. i'd hate the 80's if the music and films weren't so fucking good. ain't nothing like the cars greatest hits or 80's teen comedy. they're re-making teen wolf, by the way. tom welling is casted to be in it, and this time around the teenwolf is a chick. she bangs some dude at a party and gives him rabies.
on a much more serious and less amusing note, someone stole tori's purse at a party last night. and it reminded me of the time janice's car was broken into and stolen. the will to shoot some people in the middle of their fat face is starting to grow. do they realize the repercussions of such acts? I.D's, bank cards, money, etc. all of that stuff is so valuable and a pain in the fucking ass to deal with if stolen. good job, guy. you stole enough money to fill your gas tank and buy a slurpee at your favorite shell station. hope it was worth it, jerk off.
lexi dRift S13: there are 198,000,551 people in my network...
then james said:what's an extended network, anyway?
i won't make this one too long, so i'll end it. game over.
-jem
p.s. oh wait
do the twi5t: james
do the twi5t: would you kill me if i paid you man
then james said: no!
then james said: well
then james said: how much?
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
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5:49 pm - stick to the status quo.
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junior year in high school, during 5th period biology, we were assigned to conduct a lab which coincided with the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. each student was given a test tube vile and some kind of formula, while a few of the other students were given the "tainted" formula which carried the disease. we had to find 6 different "sex partners" to switch fluids with. so after mixing with 5 random girls, which was like a big deal at the time...i remember my classmates getting all giddy over it. like "omg, wanna have sex?" i set my eyes on a girl i haven't switched with, and made my way to her when suddenly the classroom 'thug' cuts me off and says "hey homie, pour your shit in real quick." i was like...nah, i'm gonna switch with a girl, and he ironically said "don't be a fag, just do it. i'm too lazy to get up and do it." so i was like "Ugh, fine." i poured my shit into his vile, and he did the same to me.
the teacher calls out "everyone done." to which we replied "yeah, yeah, blah blah blah". so after finishing that process, she made a huge chart on the board and asked each of us who our 6 partners were. and when i said my sixth partner was antonio or whatever the fuck his name was, the classroom busted up with laughter. "you had sex with a dude! haha." and although it wasn't really anything to be embarrassed about, my face turned red. that was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my short lived life.
god made dirt and dirt don't hurt. what bum made this rationality up? dirt don't hurt? really? try avoiding bathing for a month and see how much dirt will actually hurt you. you'll probably wake up with a nest of fleas and maggots in your hair, and mushrooms growing out of your mid-section. psh, dirt don't hurt.
small talk. i am not the slightest fan of small talk in any way. in fact, i hate it and i'm not very good at it. i don't care how the hot it's been outside lately or how much barry bonds' home run ball is worth. why do we even engage in it? is it that fear of coming off awkward, rude or uncomfortable? i think it is. people are afraid of awkward silence, but i think we should get over that. silence between two people shouldn't always be uncomfortable. running into an old friend i went to school with is never fun, either. it's like...oh great, here comes the slew of predictable questions; what have you been up to? still talk to so and so? i avoid it every chance i get. especially if it's with someone i was never really friends. that's why i hate going to the local mall. i'm always running into some jerk off that tends to think we were tight at some point. nope, we never were. i keep in zero touch with all of my old close friends. with the exception of hugo, i catch him at the gym now and again. and brian hicks. and a few others.
moving on.
three types of girls i could never see myself dating. not limited to 3, i just happen to like small lists.
1.) a girl that snores. sorry. snoring is like an itch i can't reach. drives me up the wall. she better at least sing me to sleep before she starts snoring like mr. wilson.
2.) a clinger. you know the type. a girl that ALWAYS needs to be by my side. that can be cute, but not when she freaks out because i decide to hit up the men's bathroom for a brief moment.
3.) a slob. slobs are unattractive. this includes belching and poor grooming habits. a sophisticated girl that knows how to chew her food before swallowing it is sexy. a girl that can get her butt in the gym is sexy, too.
i was running at the gym the other day, and they were playing that show "the girl next door" on one of the big T.V's in front of me. you know...that reality based show about those 3 knock out playmates. anyways, on this particular episode, the girls were posing naked with only small circles as censors, and naturally as a guy, i was drawn to it. but the funny part was when as i was watching it, i sped up my running and ended up running into the front of the treadmill. haha. proof that the good ol' carrot on a string trick doesn't only work in cartoons.
why is it so much easier for me to gain weight than to lose it? why is it so much easier regress than progress? yeah yeah, i know...because weight gain is the result of being lazy and fitness is the result of busting your ass, and any average slug can be lazy. i'm just upset over the fact that i can bust my ass in the gym for a month...blood sweat and tears...and maybe see one small extra line in my arms, but if i have just one weekend of beer and pizza, i end up looking 5 months pregnant.
but listen to how weird i am. when i prepare myself a meal, i end up making a mini meal for myself to eat while i finish making the "real" meal. isn't that weird? i also catch myself looking at ads of food while i eat. that's like a guy and girl watching porn while humping. do couples ever do that? would the girl get jealous of the one on television? i bet she would. girls are psycho like that.
never cough on my food. i'll freak.
that reminds me of the time josh clark and i went out for the all-you-can-eat lunch special at Mountain Mikes a few years back. He found a long strand of hair between his pizza and plate, and simply removed the strand and continued eating. i'll never forget that moment. he's punk as fuck.
the other day i was asked what my biggest fear was. and instead of responding with one of the cliche classics such as growing old, loneliness, or complete failure, i decided to go with my gut. imagine sleeping alone in your room, pitch dark inside and out, window shade up, blinds open, and you toss over barely waking up, only to glance up at your window to see a man standing outside with a plain white mask and an unnecessarily huge kitchen knife, and he quickly ducks, making it impossible for you to even get a good look at what you think you might have seen. you're left freaking out in the dark wondering what's worse, thinking that you're being paranoid or knowing that you should be?
a bay bay. if i hear someone quote that fucking stupid song one more time, i'm gonna...well...fuck...i don't know what i can do. i guess the best i can do is invest in some ear plugs. it's just a bad song, especially if 2nd and 3rd graders are running around singing it with snot dripping from their nose and kool-aid mustaches. i'm also tired of cobra style by teddybears. that song is literally in the trailor of every movie. BAW WIT THE BAW DA DANG DA DANG DIGGY DIGGY, dun dun dun! i like teddybears, but that song is shot.
i was using predictive text the other day, and i'm blown away and confused with how it really works. i really believe it's the pinnacle of all human accomplishments. i mean, how it can predict a word through a pattern of numbers being pressed is phenomenal. it's like there's a small brain living in our cell phones. either that, or i'm just too retarded to realize how simple of a concept it really is.
why do we insist on referring to a single pair of pants in plural form? who honestly goes out shopping for a pant? a single pant is never desired, so joining two together to give us pants is unnecessary. "oh this shirt would look good with this pant". that's what we should be saying. not "this shirt would look good with these pants." i need a new pant, not a new pair of pants. i can't afford a pair at the moment, i just want one. it's like...will war veterans with only one leg be offended? if we wise up and decide to change a single pair of pants to pant, will they get pissed at the fact that they can't go into a levi's and ask for a pant without confusing the store clerk? they shouldn't be pissed, cause they can just ask for half a pant.
how many ass kickings from pop-eye does it take for pluto to realize that he'll never get a chance to bang olive oil, let alone make her fall in love with him?
i challenge anyone to a mile run. i'll bet 50 bucks that i'll win, too. let me know if you're interested. this offer is only for myspace friends. no getting your friend that plays tailback for virginia tech.
three things i suck at taking care of; cds, clothes and money. i lend my cd's out far too much and never get them returned. i lose at least one article of clothing every 2 weeks, like my favorite jacket, my favorite ringer t, and my favorite hat. and i spend money like a millionaire when in all actuality i'm only a thousandaire. this reflects on my maturity, or lack there of. oh well, we all have our problems. at least i'm not a coke addict or compulsive liar.
i'd like my watch from sammy, my dog tags from keola, and my remaining cd's from joe.
i don't know how to properly hock a loogie and it pisses me off to the edge of the world and back. because occasionally i'll get that wad of snot lodged down the back of my throat...and most people can simply do that weird snort sound and make it air born...but i have to shove my finger down my throat to scoop it out. and even worse, i only end up getting a small portion of the wad of said snot. sometimes i'll accidentally hock a loogie, but i always fail to remember how i did it.
i think statistically the average height for a female is something like 5'4". how much would that suck if you were a male standing at 5'4"? man...i'd be so embarrassed to go out and try to mingle with people of the opposite sex. girls...would you ever even consider dating a man of that stature? i bet not. because a man of extremely short stature is a similar handicap to a girl being severely obese, in my humble opinion. girls look at short guys the same way guys look at fat girls. luckily for me, i'm standing at like 5'11" on a good day. however, i'd love to reach 6 flat. i think i will...i know i'm in my 20's, but i'm a late bloomer. come to think of it, i honestly didn't start puberty until my sophomore year in high school. i was the only guy on the football team with bald armpits and a high voice. i sounded like a young cory matthews for the longest time.
will my looks on a scale from 1 to 10 go up if i get a tattoo? i don't think so. in fact, i happen to have sleeves already. they're a bunch of tiny little dots called freckles. natures tattoo.
if i ever decide to get a tattoo, i'm going to get muscles inked on me.
my hair is getting long. should i make like joey gladstone and 'cut it out' or should i grow it out like a chia pet? you don't have to answer that...i suppose there are more important questions for us to ponder on. like...why are we here? what is our purpose? is the cure's next album really going to be double-disc? is zack effron really dating that fat bitch from hair spray?
-jem
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2007
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6:42 pm - casual dating vs. serious relationships.
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casual dating: here we're introduced to a lifestyle that requires no real commitment, no bonds, and no ties. in this sense, you're free. you have no significant other to answer to, and can openly interact with any person you wish without feeling a shred of guilt. you're left with the complete freedom to date whomever you want, whenever you want, for how ever long you want. let's not stop there. the single life does not condemn you to put on your best fit, round up your entourage, and crash the hottest bars around with the intent on snatching up a few numbers and maybe a few kisses. in a nutshell, men are basically free to play the field and whistle at pretty women, while willingly females can sport a low-cut dress and shoot looks to kill. bow chica wow ow.
on the other side of the spectrum exists a completely different lifestyle. when you commit to an exclusive and monogamous relationship, you're surrendering the right to be able to see other people, go out worry free, and leave your myspace comment approval set to off. you're left with someone to answer to. someone to give you shit for hanging out with your friends too much or staying out too late or drinking too much. someone that, if not selected wisely, will become a monkey on your back. shit be funky, that's a fact.
see what i just did there? right off the bat, i made the fast life look so much better than settling down with someone. mostly because the single life is what i've grown to know so well. but to prove my validation of experience, i HAVE done the whole serious relationship deal before , so i have a real basis of comparison. however, for the sake of not sounding biased, i will continue with some of the perks of a serious relationship, and some of the bad in casual dating. read on, eager eyes.
so if the single life is more fun than top gun at great america, why give it up? if you're young and attractive, why settle down?
playing the field is all cool n' the gang at first, but being single for too long can often lead to a feeling of void. emptiness. loneliness. even if you're lucky enough to possess the charisma of juggling more than one person, what you put in is only what you get in return, which in most cases is nothing more than a light-hearted relationship lacking any depth or emotional investment. don't get me wrong, flings and casual relationships can be fun...but where does it go if not in circles? the person on the receiving end will only stay around for so long until they realize they're stuck on a ferris wheel, which they will most likely jump off of to find a person that will pay more attention to them. and believe me, they will find that person. and then you're back to where you started. or even worse, kneeling at the side of your bed praying "i wish people would be more patient."
some people find themselves stuck in casual dating mode, scared to open up and give anyone an honest effort. personally, i've let some pretty amazing people go when i felt things were getting too serious. we sometimes get the urge to repel when any real commitment comes into the picture. why? because there lies a point in casual dating where we're finally required to let our guard down. this is difficult for a lot of us because taking that step to opening up requires you to confide your feelings in that person, thus making you vulnerable, to one degree or another. and vulnerability makes it easy for you to get hurt. and knowing that is unsettling. this is why some of us feel the need to keep things simple. our hearts aren't on the line.
"unwrap your heart for me. cause mint condition just means that you haven't been living..."
everything about the quote above strikes true. it took me years to finally become comfortable with allowing myself to get hurt. to break down that wall and entrust somebody with my feelings. because everything before that point, i had the idea burnt in my head that all relationships lead to heartbreak or failure. i'd say "who honestly ends up marrying their first significant other?" of course there's an exception to every rule, but you get my point. i felt there was no need to jump in a relationship knowing damn well that it would end up in a huge blow out of some sort. so why bother? but when someone gives you butterflies in the pit of your stomach, it can't be ignored. and i finally understood that its something i had to experience. it's a part of living. besides, "a scar is just a battle wound that tells the tale of earlier days."
so i gave it the ol college try, threw some caution to the wind, and walked down that unfamiliar road. this is when i discovered how much i was missing out on. a great opening to this section i will call "the perks of being in a serious relationship."
let's not be coy...i'll go ahead and bring up the most obvious perk. the steady amount of sex. having a boyfriend/girlfriend entitles you to as much sex as you like, anytime and anywhere. unless you're dating someone lame, then you have my pity. but let's assume you're dating someone, for lack of a better term, totally rad. you're entitled to all kinds of bedroom adventures, experiences, and fantasies consistently! and the next morning, you get to do it again. the dressing room at levi's. sure, why not? in the car outside of a park, let's go! like billy idol said "rock the cradle of love!"
aside from the sex, when you start dating someone, that person becomes someone you can turn to for anything. and i do mean anything. help with school, the stress behind working too hard, shopping for an apartment or car. they're someone you can turn to. almost like a new best friend. and having that safety net is a great feeling. someone there you can always call while you wait in the huge line at the dmv, someone to drag along to concerts, someone to get fat with. succumbing to an exclusive relationship grants you a new partner in crime. and hey, if he/she is cute, you get to show them off in public. yet another great feeling.
but suddenly cabin fever kicks in and you're starting to get a dose of their character flaws that you missed during the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship. true colors start to show and you stop getting along so well. the fighting starts. the tears. the stress. "who's that girl leaving you image comments!" "where were you last night?!? who was there?!?" hair pulling stress. so the shit hits the fan one too many times and things are off. let's fast foward through the ugly post-relationship period and get to being back on the market again.
it's a vicious cycle we all have to, or should, experience at least once in our lives. because learning from that first relationship you went through will only better assess your next one. you learn the error of your ways the first time around and apply what you know next time around. thus, although fresh out of the gate you're inundated with regret, you eventually feel blessed. if given enough time, you can look back and see the good that overshadowed the bad. you can recall that one moment when things were gold and realize there's not one thing you regret about it. sure there were fights. they exist in all healthy relationships. but you should never forget the phone calls at 4.a.m. blowing a whole weekend indoors watching real world marathons and cooking up all kinds of food. the dinner dates. the inside jokes. the mixes. it was all a learning experience that i wouldn't take back.
so now i'm left with the unanswered question. which do i prefer personally? keeping things simple or partaking in a monogamous relationship? well, if you know anything about me, you can guess that my vote goes to the single life. but for the first time in awhile, serious relationships may be putting up a little fight.
we shall see.
-jem
p.s. people always say "stop looking and you'll find what you're searching for." i suggest you do the same.
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6:40 pm - a girl that knows her own power can't be tricked.
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Walker, Texas ranger. ever see that t.v series? for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, here's a quick briefing: Walker, played by the illustrious Chuck Norris, is a ranger located in Dallas Texas, who not only leads a super-team consisting of 3 other rangers, but faces all kinds of problems ranging from drug lord smugglers to flat out terrorists waging war. now, these rangers are so fucking good, it takes longer to file a police report in Dallas than it does for these guys to solve a case. Walker can sense everything from a huge drug based operation about to go down to a boy buried alive in a 500 yard desert field. he's beaten up armies of men by himself, and has even caught a bullet with his teeth.
Walker is a well known ass-kicking ranger who easily holds the reputation of being unstoppable. now what i want to know is why do criminals even think about stirring shit up or plotting illegal acts in Dallas? they know Walker and his all-star rangers work those parts. And they know they sure as hell won't get away with it. why not relocate to stockon or san francisco, where car theft and drive-by's are never solved. where the police are too busy handing out petty parking tickets and busting jay walkers or drunken bums. these criminal masterminds would have a much better shot in a town protected by young cops with their heads up their asses.
oh, and another tip for those criminals; don't think about relocating to metropolis or gotham city, either. those cities are known to be under the surveillance of superheroes. so that wouldn't be too wise.
speaking of superheroes...does superman take dumps? he's not a girl, so i wouldn't mind knowing. furthermore, is he super at mastering musical instruments as well? he can pick up buildings, burn things with his eyes and freeze things with his breath, but i wonder if he can really wail on a guitar eddy van halen style. i'd want superman in my band. or batman...he'd make a good frontman. shooting his rope up in the rafters, swinging over the crowd with his cape and mask, singing about the joker and how much his job sucks. doing round-house kicks and shit, like that AFI video. and we'd have band practice back at the bat cave. that would be excellent. ever since the simpsons, whenever i think of the word excellent, montgomery burns comes to mind.
not to stay on the subject of superheroes, but.superman is an alien, right? from a distant planet called Kripton. so, can he get off in a sexual act with an earthling? is he only vulnerable to kripton, or can sexy women make him weak in the knees, as well? can he get drunk? does alcohol impair supermans judgment? does SEX impair his judgment? does he ever think with the wrong head?
and while we're on the subject of sex. such a conversation piece, by the way. if you could perform oral sex on yourself, and it felt good, would you do it? jaratt wouldn't leave the house.
if at any given situation, if i were fortunate enough to pull off getting jessica biel, jessica simpson, and jessica alba in a king size bed butt-naked, wanting every inch of my body, all at the same time, but i only get the chance to "go" once, i would not have the sexual virility of pleasing all three of them, let alone one. which in turn would leave me disappointed, as well. to have these three babes in a bed, wanting you, but not being able to do all the dirty acts you've constantly played out in your day dreams at work, would plain out suck. i would seriously have an orgasm faster than it takes walker to solve a case. faster than it takes sonic the hedge-hog to roll through a wall. faster than it takes the ice cream man to rip-off the little kids that steal the change from their mom's purse. it's hilarious that something like this bothers me. most people get upset over the pressures of paying their bills on time, or budgeting their money, or problems with their friends or significant others. you know...real life problems. and i'm here upset over the fact that i lack the ability to please the three jessica's. haha. i'm so lame sometimes.
kissing feels good. do we all agree? almost as good as food. like a nice big sandwich from gerards or the cajun chicken pasta served up at chilli's. i don't know what i rather do right now, make-out or take out.
i just realized how stupid most of the shit i write about actually is. people read this stuff? why? is it because there's a good amount of honesty portrayed in it? maybe because people are bored. in which case i can relate. i'm always bored. even when i'm not, i am. but busy people...like real busy people, are never bored. they can't be because they don't have the time. you need down time in order to even consider being bored. walking across the Mojave desert alone would be boring. waiting in line to pay your cell phone bill is boring. still bored? read on.
a girl that knows her own power can't be tricked.
theme parties. we all love them, right? wrong. well, i love the shit out of them, but i can tell most people don't due to the simple fact that when they're thrown, no one ever follows them! a huge pack of norcal douche bags end up strolling through without following the theme itself. personally, i always follow them. but i don't always like the ones that requires me to waste my time, energy and money putting together some goofy outfit just because someone felt it was cute to throw a "tennis ho's and office bro's" or "black and white" or whatever. the more original, the better. the easier to follow, the better. underwear is always a safe one, because if i show up without knowing it was a theme party to begin with, i can simply drop trousers, take my shirt off, roll it up in a ball and throw it on the couch and say "sup bro, where's my beer?"
considering the hot weather, shipwreck would be a fun theme to try out. baseball t's and undies was always an idea i had. but the best idea i've heard in a long time would the one my buddy charles told me about, which they call "the hook-up theme". this is where you are hand-cuffed to someone of the opposite sex, for X amount of time. half hour, hour, whatever. and then as soon as time is up, you have the option of cuffing up with someone else. or you can make it mandatory to switch. the reason why i love this theme is because it gives you 60 minutes to either impress a girl with your charm or, on the flipside, make a total jerk out of yourself. regardless, they're stuck with you and have nowhere to run. me likey! so let's break out the handcuffs and order a keg!
what happens in the back seat of my car..stays in the back seat of my car!
have you checked your weekly horoscope yet?
Taurus: you smell like little baby poop. the kind covered in inexplicable white stuff. it's probably baby-powder. your boyfriend/girlfriend is seeing someone else behind your back, and your car is due for a major tune-up soon.
Gemini: you'll get sick with mono, sleep the days away, and wake up with a boiler on right cheek of your face, which will so happen to burst open with baby spiders during a bubble bath.
Cancer: you'll undergo a long streak of good luck. you're the man, maaan. and you'll avoid any major drama that comes your way. you'll find money on the ground.
Leo: you're gonna die. too bad, so sad. cute leo's should make-out with cancers.
Aries: you'll join the taurus' in the baby poop club. not to mention the fact that you'll find a tooth in the next hot pocket you eat.
Virgo: you're a loner and nobody loves you. and things will remain that way.
Libra: cute libra's should hook up with cancers.
Scorpio: scorpio's don't read their horoscopes.
Sagittarius: you will go over your cell phone bill leaving you with a whopping bill over $834.67.
Capricorn: your zodiac name implies it. corn will grow on your feet, making it very painful and difficult to walk to work after someone steals your car at gun point.
Aquaries: fuck. i didn't realize how many of these things there are.
Pisces: i quit.
-jem
p.s. what's the very first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
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6:38 pm - i got an open mind, so why don't you all step inside?
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nobody's perfect. and i mean nobody. and we don't always make the right decisions, and are often left with a feeling of regret. a sense of loss pertaining to the things we've done in the past. but as we get older, it gradually changes from the things we've done, to the things we haven't done. i have a drumset in my garage collecting dust, and my only excuse for not pursuing music full throttle is the fact that i am no longer confident as a drummer. i haven't stayed on top of my game, and i'm letting opportunity pass me by. since 5th grade, it's the only thing i've ever felt passionate about. i truly believe we all have one thing that makes us special...that identifies us...and makes us who we are. some people are artists. some are mechanics. some can cook up a fancy dinner while others can run a 5 minute mile. and for me, music was my one thing. i also believe that we don't always realize exactly what is going on in our head until we sit down and write out our thoughts for us to see. maybe that's why i'm home right now writing this instead of partying at jaratt's with my friends.
but aside from the profound sudden realization i just had... i also regret letting that girl i met at the great plate run off with my tie. it was my favorite one. that tie and i have been through many battles together; long nights of dancing, tie pulling, and drink spilling. see ya around, buddy.
on a completely separate note, i believe it's important to occasionally take breaks from our friends to test just how much you really like that person...not just as a possible significant other, but on a platonic level, as well. i don't always miss the people that come and go in my life, but there are a few that come to mind right now. god, i know what you're thinking. this story is getting old. i'm fully aware that this topic is becoming a reoccurring theme within my writing. we all have our own ways of dealing. i just don't hope i become a 'bitch and moan' sort of writer. i'd like to keep whoever reads this somewhat entertained.
speaking of reoccurring themes. i've been dreaming the same dream over and over lately. about this girl. i recognize her, but can't seem to put a name to her face. i have this feeling we used to be close, but lost complete touch with one another. and i sit there asking myself "why haven't i spoken to her in so long?" it's confusing, because like i said...i feel like i know her, but i can't really tell who it is. maybe she represents something much more than a single person. i just haven't sat down and examined the big picture yet. open for interpretation, so you make the call.
sorry for getting all deep on you. let's switch up the mood a bit and change the pace.
three things a girl should never talk about. by james murray.
1.) old sex stories.
- i don't want to know who you've hooked up with, or how crazy/drunk you got one time and woke up next to some strange guy naked, or how many people you've been with. we men like to believe all women out there are virgins. end of story.
2.) pooping.
- as far as i'm concerned, girls do not poop. "well then how does it come out?" damn, i don't have the answer to that. but girls do not poop. that's the trouble with having a girl as a roommate. i don't think i'd be able to handle it if i walked in on her pooping or stinking up the bathroom.
3.) farting.
- not nearly as bad as pooping. i might be able to handle it. but if you're a girl i'm even remotely interested, key advice; don't pass gas! at least go to the bathroom and do it. spray a dash of febreez in the air while you're at it. although febreez is a dead give-a-way that something shady took place.
while i'm on this topic; all girls should be hairless from the neck down. they're allowed to have facial hair. just kidding. sort of.
no matter how careful i am, while eating any sort of food with mustard on it, the mustard always seems to find a way to get on my clothes. i swear. i can wear a full body painters suit over my clothes, and it wouldn't change a thing. i love mustard, just not on my clothes. note: if we ever go on a lunch date, don't let me order an italian bmt with extra mustard. take my bank card away if you have to.
while we're on the subject of food, i feel the need to mention that i am progressively becoming addicted to yogurt. don't ask me why or how...well, i'll tell you...i found some hidden in the side compartment of my fridge and wolfed one down for a quick breafast the other morning. i found it to be delicious and low in calories.
the town of tracy. the town of unknown/unreasonable grudges. seriously. say it with me now. this town is FULL of all of these unknown vendetta's and grudges. i would say i'd like to know why, but i already do. tracy is small in size, but large in population. everyone seems to know everyone here, and we're all connected in one way or another. sickening. and since this town lacks anything fun to do, townies strike up stupid grudges to keep things interesting. it's like...they're sitting there watching some mtv reality based show, biting their nails over all the drama taking place in it, and decide "hey, i wish my life were like that." for instance, one time someone randomly said "oh, i don't like that guy james. he thinks he's the shit." first off, that's not true. and furthermore, to my knowledge, i never remember even meeting the kid.
but that reminds me of the time i was leaving my friend cathy's apartment. someone asked "where are you going?" to which i replied "swimming. you coming?" and this tall fat guy in glasses said "psh, fuck that. we hate james murray." i said "that's cool that you know my name, guy." sigh. only in tracy.
i failed to mention i'll never date a townie, either. having an out of town girlfriend has so much more perks and benefits.
a.) it makes it that much more difficult for her to fall into any girl talk that may come back to you and bite you in the ass.
b.) you get your space. more time to hang out with your friends, workout, play music, etc. without feeling smothered all the time.
c.) i've only met a handful of tracy girls that i thought were actually cool. deanna was one of them.
top five greatest feelings in the world. by james murray.
1.) finding money
2.) unexpected compliments
3.) fixing something extremely difficult.
4.) proving someone wrong.
5.) blow jobs
i hate the singers face from relient k.
i feel pretty bummed at the moment. like a dick head. because someone just drove from manteca to hang out, and i decided to stay in like a baby. maybe this is the start of something new. maybe i'm a closet recluse. i have strawberry cheese-cake ice cream in the freezer with my name all over it. i don't know...sometimes i just feel like sitting indian style on a computer chair and writing. tonight was one of those nights.
attention: something really weird just took place. i just received a missed call from a number i didn't recognize, so i returned it with curiosity. a girl answered, sounded like i woke her up.
her: hello?
me: hey...um you called?
her: no. wrong number, sorry.
me" i just got your missed call like 2 seconds ago.
her: um, no not me.
me: well. do you know a guy named james?
her: your voice sounds familiar but no.
me: maybe someone used your phone?
her: no. this is my cell. sorry
there's hard evidence that this girl called me. it's programmed in my phone. no talking your way out of that one, sista. unless it's some stranger that knew she'd make it into my blog if she did this. in that case, you've succeeded.
in closing. i'll leave you all with this.
7 ways to ruin a friendship. yet another list by james murray.
1. never having enough money to go to the city with me or somewhere fun. and maybe even investing in a bottle of Cristal.
2. sharing personal information about me. if i trust you enough to tell you something private, be a friend a keep it private.
3. flaking on me. i know i can be fickle sometimes, but i still don't like a flake, and never will. not keeping a promise can fall under this one, too.
4. always playing it safe. sometimes you gotta wing it, baby. even if you have to wake up early the next morning.
5. body odor. take a shower. rock some deodorant. axe spray. anything! brush your tongue, too.
6. borrowing something from me and failing to return it. i don't even know how many cd's/dvds/clothes of mine are floating around out there.
7. flooding myspace with bulletins. i will hate you!
finished to the point where i'm done.
i'm off for a good night sleep. catch you gorgeous people in dreamland.
-jem.
p.s. what happens when i stop making sense?
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| Monday, July 23rd, 2007
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7:30 pm - the thought of rejection vs. rejection itself.
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the thought of rejection versus rejection itself.
on one hand, we have the agonizing mental picture of hearing the exact opposite of what it is we want to hear. "no thanks, i have a boyfriend." which is best possible way to get rejected. but then there's "i'm sorry, are you lost?" or even worse, a simple back turn. although it's something that isn't tangible, it definitely exists. it's a fear that brews in the pit of our stomach, and constricts us from doing things our heart tells us to do...or hormones...thus leaving us feeling like we're missing out on life. a definite obstacle that can, by some of us, only be curbed after four long islands, but by others, never curbed at all.
on the other hand, we have the harsh reality of rejection itself, which can be defined as an individual which is deliberately excluded from a social relationship or social interaction. when this takes place, it can bruise our ego, scar our self-esteem, or leave us staring in a mirror asking "what is wrong with me?" feeling like an ugly and worthless schmo that has nothing to offer the opposite sex, we're compelled to call it an early night only to pop a dvd in, dive into a box of cold pizza, or for you ladies, a fresh carton of rocky road ice cream. correction: do women even get rejected? is that humanly possible for a male to do?
now i know what you're thinking. i'm doing a lot of talking but not proposing any answers.
so which is worse?
personally, i was always the guy that would allow the fear of rejection get the best of him when it came to approaching the opposite sex. i'd create all kinds of scenarios and possible outcomes in my head. "what if she says this" or "what if she does that." and one thing that i've learned while being on this rock is that dwelling and over-analyzing the situation will only make approaching a possible prospect that much more difficult. but over the years, this is something i've learned to overcome.
overcoming the fear of rejection is no easy task and requires getting your hands dirty, so to speak. even if making friends is easy for you, and you may even consider yourself a social butterfly...you can still be shy when it comes to striking up a conversation with a perfect stranger of the opposite sex.
first rule. it is important to know who to approach. is that person even making themselves seem approachable? is she the hottest girl in the place? know where you stand and never try to break the ice with someone who intimidates you. not if you're still learning, at least. take baby steps and don't start off looking to win the jackpot. i advise you not to approach the girl at the bar getting all the attention from barking males, milking them for free drinks and cheesy compliments. instead, give a shout to her buffalo butt friend that the other guys are overlooking. hell, even if you don't find her so attractive. like they say in anything competitive, practice makes perfect. and believe me, the bar/club scene is definitely a competitive sport. at least it is when you're single.
next. get comfortable with approaching people. don't be over-zealous, too aggressive, or corny with your pick-up lines. try being honest and friendly. there's nothing worse than a shy person trying too hard to break out of their shell. words come out wrong, they don't convey their thoughts properly, and things can turn into a huge mess. for the most part, people that are out for drinks are there to be social. they're there to meet people, mingle, show off their new shirt, etc. but remember, rejection does happen and will happen to you if you throw yourself out there enough. this is when it's key to remember that you're somebody that possesses "the attitude." the attitude? the attitude dictates you don't care if she comes, lays, stays or preys. whatever happens your toes are still tappin'. and when you got that...well, then you got the attitude.
that's fine, james...but what if you set your sights on someone while you're not out in a social meeting ground such as a bar or club? we often come across people we'd like to meet at places like a mall, bookstore, or downtown somewhere. personally, i wouldn't encourage talking to a stranger in places like these, because you don't know how busy they are or what they're there for. as i previously mentioned, bars and clubs typically work out best because everyone is there for the same reason. to have a few drinks and be around people.
speaking of drinks. downing a few helps when it comes to approaching someone. it takes the edge off. they don't call it liquid courage for nothing. sometimes the shit works like a charm. but never overdue it. that can sometimes act as the ultimate hate bomb. girls don't like a stumbling fool with eyes halfway shut. furthermore, never become dependent on it. that will just open up a whole new can of worms for you to deal with.
be confident, but don't get too cocky. no one likes a self-absorbed tool. besides, girls can sense a rooster from a mile away. just like a friend of mine who shall remain nameless, who seems to believe he's god's gift to women. be sure that you have some pre-meditated questions to bring up in case you find yourself at a loss for words. default questions like "so what do you do for fun?" and "what's one thing you can't get enough of?" switch things up. keep conversation interesting and ask a lot of questions...get to know them. hell, i'm jumping ahead of myself. you don't even need to be very impressive with your words to get someone remotely interested in you. a simple smile and introductory often suffices. be easy going and maybe throw a joke in there. come off cool and things will be just that.
but do remember this. rejection DOES take place and WILL if you get yourself out there. this is when it's helpful to become very good at lying to yourself. if you become a victim of rejection, convince yourself that something is wrong with HER and that SHE has bad taste and fails to see the good in you.
"they'll have you suicidal."
-jem
p.s. to answer a question raised in my last bulletin...
... true love is something you hold onto.
*note: i apologize for trailing off. i did not intend for this to turn into a 'how to approach a girl for dummies' tutorial. so to answer my original question; i believe rejection itself takes the cake over the actual fear of it. although the popular saying "the biggest risk is not taking one" proves to believe that the fear of rejection is far worse, i like to think that you can't strike out if you never step up to the plate. and though you may argue with "if you never bat, you can't get on base."... if you put yourself together right, you'll get a lucky walk now and again, or in this case, approached by the opposite sex as opposed to being the aggressor. but, i'll say this, my answer has definitely changed over the years...so i guess it all varies depending on where we're at during that moment in time.
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7:23 pm - grizzly adams DID have a beard.
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so cal slang is annoying. i'm so AMPED. that was EPIC, dude. dude. that was bro, dude. i'm so stoked right now, broseph.
i think i know why i'm always tired. i've quit drinking soda for the past 3 1/2-4 years. and i think as humans, we've evolved into species that are becoming more relient on caffeine. soda, coffee, etc. 90% of adults start their day out with a nice cup of coffee to wake themselves up and get themselves through their long grueling day of work. i never drink coffee, and tend to only drink soda when i'm at a bar ordering captain with it. my diet isn't the best in the world, but it's far from the worst. i almost always skip breakfast, but i drink more water than any of you. but back to my point...yeah i'm always feeling tired. this leads me to believe that humans are not constantly evolving. well, we are, just not in a stronger sense. we're becoming very weak and dependant mammals. kids don't even run around outside anymore. they stay in and play Wii. i predict robots will be doing everything for us within the next few decades. brusing our teeth, combing our hair, jerking us off. trust.
do you ever think back to a time in life in which you were interested in someone, that person was interested back, and you two sort of started talking. something good was coming out of it, but for whatever reason, the two of you stopped talking. she slipped away, you slipped away, and nothing ever came from it. but now, looking back on it in retrospect, you feel it was a huge mistake...maybe even life changing. maybe you'd be in a different place in time right now? and now you feel like you'll never get that chance again?
i wouldn't be surprised if i met my perfect somebody, but just failed to give it enough attention. i'm not just saying this for myself, either. this goes for all of you single people reading this. you've probably met mr/mrs. perfect and didn't know, and never will. we need to open our eyes. i've been asleep for the past 3 years.
i wish i could hire someone to follow me around, take notes without interfering, and then at the end of each week offer me key advice. because standing in your own shoes, you often miss all kinds of things going on around you. people sometime need that third party perspective to catch things that go over our heads. it'd make life a little easier.
i wish once we have finished life, we can go back and switch up the roads we chose to embark on. make different decisions and live different versions of our life. that'd be something. we should at least get 3 chances. or maybe even just a second chance. furthermore, it'd be neat if heaven was one big movie theater. and when you show up, your life displays on the big screen and everyone watches it. there would definitely be a few scenes where i'd yell "psh, that's not even me."
when i was real little, my mom used to always ask me to spell BUSES. she asked me "does busses have one S or two?" and i remember i pretended like i wasn't interested in answering, because i didn't know the answer, so i non-chalantly walked to the garage, looked it up in the dictionary, and waited for her to ask again. and when she did, i played it off and said "it can have one or two S's." i don't know why i just thought of that. does that ever happen to you? do random childhood memories...well not always from your childhood...but do old memories ever sporatically pop in your head and sort of make you let out a small laugh? like a "heh". and if you're in the company of others, they start bugging you about what it is you're laughing about.
question: do you think people get married because they truly want to spend the rest of their lives together? or are they just getting hitched because they feel they need to. like it's the next step to their "normal" lives. graduate from school, get a job, start a serious relationship, move in together, get married, work, sit at home together and eat ice cream, repeat. i don't see myself getting married for AT LEAST another 6-7 years. and i don't think that's something girls want to hear.
i thought about purchasing a ringback tone. you know, those "please enjoy the music while your party is reached." i was THIS CLOSE to buying take off your clothes by morningwood. so when people call, all they hear is "when i see you baby, i just wanna take off your clothes, tear off your clothes, rip off your clothes." but then i was like...nah...that would suck if my work was trying to reach me or someone with some sort of authority.
oh shit. i stumbled upon some old pick-up lines i wrote like 6 years ago. haha. check these out.
-are you from heaven? cause i feel like watching angels in the outfield with you...here's my card. call me.
-are you an angel? cause i must be in pepperoni heaven, i see the two of us going out for pizza!
-are you australian? cause you sure look like it.
-do you like food? cause i know where we can get some, and i think you're cute.
-hey, are you a sports fanatic?! cause we should play a game of basketball and get to know each other a little better. i really don't know you all that well.
-did you piss off a drug lord? cause your face is on fire!
-do you like it when cute boys come up to you and start rhyming? cat, hat, bat, sat, fat.
-nice shoes...where'd ya get them?
-is that a mirror in your pocket? because i have this zit i wanna pop.
feel free to use any of these so long as you give credit to me. thanks.
i used to want to be a teacher. kids make me laugh more than all the ben stiller and adam sandler movies put together. for instance, true qutoes from my job:
i interviewed a 7 year old boy while at work, and these were his real answers.
would you rather be a hand or a finger?
-a finger, because you have more friends. a hand you only have one friend, and you don't see him that much.
would you rather be bad breathe or dirty hands?
-dirty hands, because i can just simply wash them.
-how can you wash them if you're just hands?
would you rather be a clock or a wrist watch?
-a wrist watch, because you get to travel!
would you rather be lucas or garrett?
-garrett, because he's my friend. even though i'm not his friend, he's my friend.
would you rather be dirty sheets or dirty diapers?
-dirty sheets, because you don't smell!
would you rather be the front teeth or the back?
-the back, because you can tell secrets. and the front tastes snot if the nose is runny.
would you rather be a mustache or a beard?
-a beard, because the mustache is close to the nose! boogers!
would you rather be a car or a boat?
-i wouldn't want to be a car, because cars aren't living things. i'll say boat.
would you rather be an ice cream man or an ice cream truck?
-ice cream truck, cause you get to play funny music.
see what i mean?
anyways. i think it's time the mainstream discovers a new rap artist. besides T.I, a lot of them are disappointing. they need to discover an extremely explicit rapper. like, puts 2 live crew and dj quik to shame. talks so dirty that you can't buy it in stores. you can only order it from the internet and then it's shipped overseas. but what makes this rapper different, you say? well, he doesn't always go full throttle. he's wreckless when it comes to rapping about most things, but is afraid to use SOME words. for example, "i'll fuck that bitch so hard till she's yelling my name, give her golden showers till her dying days, then i'll be like bitch suck my PEE-PEE. it'd be funny because he's not afraid to discuss golden showers, but at the same time doesn't even have the nerve to say cock.
random aim convo of the evening:
GetYaHoodzOn: Do you find it a turn on when a girl tells you to pull her hair?
then james said: eh
then james said: during sex?
GetYaHoodzOn: mmhm
then james said: probably.
then james said: anything during sex is most likely a turn on.
then james said: she can call me a shit head for all i care.
at any rate, this is far too long and i'm not expecting anyone to read all of this.
true love is _______?
-jem
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